Pudding Entertainment

Tackling the Issues

2009-02-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

oh blimey i've still got one of these blog things haven't i

It's come to my attention that in previous years, people I know have been forced to humiliate themselves in front of the internet in the name of their report card by writing blogs much like this one except not run by me obviously. I found one of these by accident while putting the name of a girl I know through google for entirely non-stalking related reasons and the result has been several hours of hilarity as I peruse standardized articles on the same topic from several different people with responses ranging from well-thought out and nuanced to eye-bleedingly soul-crushingly horrible.

the things i've seen

Now, as a result of not subjecting myself to the relevant course, I never had to do this. But why don't I? I have myself read the travails of dedicated journalists getting to the heart of the issues that affect us today, and I sit here writing silly articles about people who engage in sex acts with badgers? No more, I say.

From this day forth, Pudding Entertainment will bring you its brand of hard hitting analysis ofcurrent world events, starting right now!

Now where does one find current world events? Why, by trolling news sites and reading the headlines!

TO THE WEBSITE OF BBC NEWS

I am confronted by a cornucopia of exciting current world events! Time to sample but a few!

Deadly strike on S.Lanka hospital

The UN says many people, including children, are killed in Sri Lanka as shells hit a crowded hospital in a rebel-held area.

okay i don't have anything funny to say about this one actually

Synagogue attacked in Venezuela

An armed gang ransacks a synagogue in Venezuela, and demands that Jews be expelled from the country.

this one either

Week of mourning for Kenya fires

Kenya declares a week of national mourning after two large fires in a week claim more than 135 lives.

okay maybe this wasn't the best idea for a comedy blog

Well, so much for that, then. The world is too crappy to make light of. Nothing could possibly ever make these horrible world events any better.

Wait! What if it were possible to... yes!

There we go.

~Pudding

Entirely Accurate Assessments

2008-12-29T17:43:00.001-08:00

I hate you, Mara. I don't DO this kind of thing, and yet you force me. So, I'm answering these questions based on my wild and unsubstantiated assumptions about you. Also, as I copy pasted it, I noticed it is missing numbers. So, gentle readers, I am not an idiot, she is.

Can you answer 84 questions about just one person?

1) What’s their name?

Mara Soriano

2) Does he or she have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Both.

3) Do you get along with this person all the time?

Practically never.

4) How old is the person?

16.

5) Has he/she ever cooked for you?

No, I don't imagine she'd taste very good cooked.

6) Is this person older than you?

No, I am older by about forty years. Er, one year. Yeah.

7) Have you ever kissed this person?

I don't put my mouth on things if I don't know where they've been.

9) Are you related to this person?

Not as far as I know.

10) Are you really close to him/her?

All the time. Allllways watching.

11) Nickname?

'Sandy Bendover'

12.) Do they have a nickname for you?

They'd damned well better not.

13) How many times do you talk to this person during a week?

Every day she's online, briefly, to which the answer is always 'no but I'll finish it later'.

14) Will this person repost this?

oh god time paradox

15) Do you live with this person?

No, we'd kill each other in fifteen seconds.

16) Why is this person your number 1?

Personal gain.

17) Do they have a nickname for you?

Didn't I just answer this one?

18) How long have you known this person?

I have no idea.

19) Have you ever been to the mall with this person?

Why the hell would I want to go to the mall with her? That ends in buying things.

20) Have you ever had a sleepover with this person?

One time, but she didn't know and I was gone before she woke up.

21) If you ever moved away would you miss this person?

Ah, the wonders of our glorious internet age.

23) Have you ever done something really stupid or illegal with this person ?

I'm pretty sure it isn't illegal in Canada. I hope.

24) Do you know everything about this person?

evvvverything

25) Would you date this person’s siblings?

yes if i were so inclined i would indeed measure the radioactive decay of their carbon 14 molecules

26) Have you ever made out with this person?

I was drunk at the time and I thought it was her, dammit.

29) Have you gone skinny dipping with this person?

Our annual naked fistfight on a tightrope over the Pacific Ocean kind of counts, considering how it always ends.

31) Is this person on drugs?

The tranquilizer darts don't count.

33) Have you ever worn this person’s clothes?

Not that she knows of.

34) Does this person wear your clothes?

Not that I know of.

35) If it was “freaky friday” would you switch bodies with this person?

hee hee i'd have boobies

36) Have you ever heard this person sing?

Yes, actually, she sent me a recording. I'm still working over the lingering mental trauma in therapy.

38) Do you and this person have a saying/word?

'FUCK THA POLICE'

39) Do you know this persons Facebook password?

I stay far, far away from Facebook at all times.

39) Do you know this persons Facebook password?

I just answered this damn you.

44.) Have you and this person gone clubbing?

All night long. Those baby seals didn't see it coming.

45) Do you know how to make this person feel happy / laugh?

Its name rhymes with Hitachi Magic Pond and it's not Ian Fleming/Hitachi/Harry Potter product placement.

46) Do you and this person talk alot?

she just keeps talking and talking in one long incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no one has a chance to interrupt

it is really quite hypnotic

47) Do you like this person?

I hate her with the fury of the Thousand Suns of Harneth-Kadnar. <3

48) Has this person yelled at you?

All I have to do is argue with her over inconsequential things that she likes. It's easy AND rewarding!

49) Have you and this person got into a fist fight?

Once we did to see who would win. I threw her through an eighth floor window after she rammed a screwdriver through my arm.

50) Do you want to go out with this person?

That depends on where and whether or not she was paying.

60) Do you and this person have a special song?

I don't know about her, but mine is The Sailor Song.

61) Have you told this person you loved them before?

Once, while bleeding out in the rain in the aftermath of our climatic gunfight.

62) Did they say it back?

Actually, she shot me again. It hurt.

63) Do you think this person still loves you?

Did you miss the part where she shot me? Like, five times?

64) What grade is this person in?

65) Do you hang out with this person on weekends?

No, I spend my evenings in higher-class company.

66) Would you consider this person your best friend?

I'm serious. Five times. While I was on the ground. It wasn't even remotely fair.

67) Do you miss this person?

Well, that's kind of how I ended up getting shot, because if I'd hit her there wouldn't have been a problem.

68) Is there a song that describe the relationship between you and this person?

Yellow Submarine.

69) Have you danced with this person?

but it's alllll right now

in fact it's a gas

70) Do you think this person is going to be surprised you wrote this about them?

Considering she forced me into it, not at all.

71) How many siblings does this person have?

There were at least 6577 other larvae in the hive-clutch.

72) If so, brother or sister?

They are as countless legion.

73) Have you ever cried in front of this person?

In my defense, the bullets hurt.

74) When is the next time you will see this person?

As soon as I angle the telescope back in the right direction again.

75) Do you tell this person secrets?

The ones that don't pertain to her!

76) Do you trust this person?

Implicitly. Except when she's angry. Then she gets violent and vengeful and doesn't care who she hurts and the pain it never stops ever.

77) Does this person trust you?

I doubt it, she knows I'm a magnificent bastard.

78) What is this persons middle name?

'Ludwig'.

79) What is this persons full name?

Mara Ludwig Kill-o-Tron Soriano

80) Does this person play sports?

Bear-blasting.

81) If so, which sports?

Goddamnit can't you read.

82) Have you been to this persons house?

Not that she or anyone else is aware of.

83) What is this persons favorite song?

Everything by The Wiggles.

84) Does this person speak another language?

Ebonics.

For Fun and Profit

2008-11-23T14:55:00.000-08:00

I have a new short story written, and I posted it up on my Deviant-Art account, of which I am extremely ashamed. Go quick and read it before I remember I hate every single word of everything I ever write and delete it in a cavaclade of sudden remorse for ever baring my soul to the ravages of the internet.

http://pudding-4-evar.deviantart.com/art/Piracy-for-Fun-and-Profit-104428494

The Adventures of Barack Obama

2008-11-07T11:03:00.000-08:00

The following is based on a true story.

The story starts as most things do

With Barack Obama

He was at home watching his

Most favourite TV drama

He was getting settled

In the White House den,

When the front window shattered

And through dived Joe Biden

‘What are you doing’ cried Barack

‘You’re interrupting Law and Order!

‘If you don’t have a good reason

Your face I will reorder.’

‘Sorry sir’ said the VP

‘I really have to beg your pardon,

‘John McCain has a giant robot,

‘And he’s tearing up the garden.’

Outside Barack and Biden rushed

To dish out some pain

Through Presidential magnolias,

Stomped Metal John McCain!

‘Stop that, you.’ Obama yelled

With fury shook his fist,

He was just so angry

He nearly hurt his wrist.

‘My friends,’ said old McCain

Waving from his seat

‘I am here to destroy you

And make your garden much less neat.’

‘Nefarious!’ cried Biden

Jumping up and down

Obama stood there silent

With nothing but a frown.

‘As you can see’ laughed John McCain

‘I have a giant ‘bot.

‘Against its fearsome metal might

‘You Democrats can do squat.

‘Now you are defeated,

‘And have no choice but to flee

‘Maybe now you both have learned

‘Don’t mess with the GOP.’

‘I do not think that this is how

The democratic process works.

‘McCain, I must conclude

You are a great big jerk’

McCain turned red and raised his boot

To squash the President

‘Maybe so!’ he furiously cried

‘But you can go get bent!’

‘No!’ cried Biden, and quickly pushed

Obama with a leap

But then the boot hit him instead

And he began to weep

‘Look what you’ve done now.’ said Obama

‘You made poor Biden cry

‘I’ll tell on you, if you don’t leave.

And you will get no pie.’

At Obama’s stern reproach

McCain had to back down

‘No pie?’ he said, eyes widening

‘But that would make me frown!’

‘I love my pie, Obama.’

He growled angrily.

‘But I’ll be back soon enough

‘You can’t keep the White House from me!’

McCain stomped off back to Alaska

Where with Palin he would vent

Obama helped Biden up

And back to the couch they went

‘Barack’ said Biden admiringly

‘You sure did show that louse.’

‘I sure did.’ grinned Obama

‘Now shut up, I’m watching House.’

A Reasonable Gap

2008-11-02T18:43:00.000-08:00

As you might have noticed, my updating schedule is now something on the order of once a year, and yet I continue to keep this link everywhere I go, the latest place it has been linked to being on someone else's blog. Since perhaps 0.5 more people might well be duped into coming here by this development, I may as well update, despite how appalled I am looking back at how horribly and consistently unfunny I was. Am.

So I'm sort of at a loss of what to actually write about. I'm writing this immediately before unpacking my replacement XBOX 360, acquired after the old one blew up and I argued at them until they gave me a new one for free. Writing about this seems distressingly close to actually talking about my real life in a blog on the internet, something I have sworn to never do. You will never see my everyday life, love and trials on this site, mostly because it isn't entertaining and the name of the blog is not 'Pudding Boredom'. So let's think of something else entirely.

Remember how I posted about having a webcomic, or as I prefer because it's more uselessly pretentious, 'online graphic novel' and that it was going to be online 'soon' in 2006? Well prepare to be relatively amazed by it in or slightly before 2009! Judging by my update schedule, I consider 2009 'soon' and was therefore not lying.

I have it on good authority that the comic is going to be 'drawn' on 'paper' by an 'artist', specifically the beautiful and talented Ma... Bren. Bren is a friend. A Bren has not taken over a brain of a writer for NEFARIOUS PURPOSES. This is not a good thought to have. Dismiss it.

A Bren is draw a comic. A Bren comic will be about adventures of sexy and attractive SPACE COMMANDER BREN and his extremely phallic escapades with a ladies.

A ladies is seduced by a Bren. Then a Bren does a love snake into her and an egg is fertilized and in several months BREN LARVA bursts from a ladies.

accept a bren into you

it is for happiness

i feel the larvae

wiggling

;)

~pdudnig

This Post! Having To Do With Super Happy Glorious Nippon

2007-10-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

I recall that at my school, we had, and probably still have if they have not fallen into murderous anarchy by this week, an anime society, also known as 'a collection of the dregs of society with nowhere else to go who cling together in their mutual conviction of the superiority of Japanese animation over everything that has ever and has yet to exist and the one Japanese kid who comes to laugh at them'.

Don't get me wrong here, they're not inherently horrible people and I do, in fact, rather like them because they happen to be a significant portion of my reader base and alienating them would be bad for the site, but their interest in Japanese animation borders on fanatical devotion to Glorious Nippon and all it stands for. It's rather amusing.

But for some time now, much like Jane Goodall and her chimpanzees, I have sat among them and observed their social habits, taking extensive notes. My research has taught me many things which are undoubtedly of value to the scientific community. No doubt some of my readers would like to pose as one of their number and infiltrate a community themselves! It is merely a matter of following simple tips which I shall here relate.

1. Familiarize yourself with the pantheon of Anime Gods. From my findings, the mighty deity 'Naruto' appears to be at the top of the Anime Society's mythological pantheon. He has a number of devoted followers and significant powers, and his followers appear to have a sort of fanatic zealotry, chanting a sort of tribal chant - 'Yaoi! Yaoi!' whenever his name is mentioned. His powers include wearing a completely unsuitable colour for a ninja. At all costs, avoid implying that the holy anime in which this greatest of gods appears is in any way inferior. Those who blaspheme in this way are put to death.

2. Insert random Japanese words into your speech desu. This serves a dual kawaii purpose. Since 99% of anime societies are dorky white kids and their derivatives (baka gaijin) who will have no idea what the fuck you are konichiwa saying anyway, they will assume you know Japanese. The bona fide Japanese chiji kid who is only there to make fun of the rest will recognize you as friend, and you will be able to devise elaborate plots to mock the 99% who now think you are extremely ocha awesome.

3. At least one hour a week, usually on the traditional worship day of Thursday (mokuyobi) must be set aside for the worship of Glorious Nippon and its animation. All who miss worship are flogged. During the worship, ancient rituals such as 'watching anime', 'watching sub-par anime' and 'super happy kawaii drawing time' take place.

4. Under no circumstances suggest that any form of alternative animation is in any way equal to or better than even the worst of anime. For this, the death penalty is strictly enforced.

5. You do not talk about Anime Club.

6. You do NOT talk about Anime Club.

By following these simple and easy steps, you too can attempt to move away from your damnable fate and be more in communion with the true masters of the world with the luck and relevant genetics to have been born in Glorious Nippon. Godspeed.

-Super Happy Fun Pudding

The Rambling Onset of Madness

2007-10-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

I'm told I don't write in this thing nearly as often as I should. Considering my readership - people I hate and people who refuse to love me despite all my good qualities - I feel I update exactly often enough.

'Good qualities'? I hear you saying. 'Which good qualities would these be?'

You insinuate that I am without any good qualities whatsoever, but I scoff at these claims. It is the work of minutes to come up with a list of all the good things I am.

Yep.

Any minute now.

...fuck. I'll come up with something eventually.

In the meantime, have a story.

---

Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and for a long time was not able to tell her. Then, finally, he did, and found out that the girl loved everybody but him. The boy was heartbroken. So he killed her, and buried her body in his backyard. This story has a moral. Do you see the moral? Do you? Aha. AHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

---

I... uh... I have a really stable mental state! Yeah! That's a good quality. Right?

Aw crap.

---

Comic update - the website is done and ready to be put up. However, the actual strip is not up and running due to general laziness among the drawing slaves. They will be whipped and put to work. Oh, how they will be whipped.

No More Jesus?! The Last Hope!

2007-09-14T19:58:00.001-07:00

It has come to my attention that certain elements of the world population are under the impression that I am constructing an anthropomorphic and nuclear capable robotic Jesus Christ.

This is a grave error.

I am not, nor have I ever, considered building such a thing. Your attempts to steal the blueprints have been unsuccessful due to this and your agents have been neutralized via repeated applications of a chainsaw to their upper torso.

Why? Because nobody sends ninjas to kill me.

Not without being the target of my revenge.

I'm coming for you.

---

Upon further investigation I seem to have misplaced my large sack of automatic weaponry. Disregard the above. Please entertain yourself with this rendition of Stuff What I Thought Of.

---

It's probably clear to anyone who's read this that this isn't so much a blog as a comedy site made up of the rants of a schizophrenic sociopath who will one day take his bloody revenge on society. That's nice and all, but some people may ask what goes on in the life of Pudding, the unfathomably puzzling enigmatic mystery fond of using redundant synonyms when describing himself.

These people will be sorely disappointed and will find that I am not going to be telling them anything about this subject at all.

Instead, I'm going to click 'Random Article' on Wikipedia and talk about whatever comes up.

Human Toilet

This is either a really lame super hero or dear god what the fuck let's never do this again

~Pudding

They see me rollin

2007-07-30T20:08:00.000-07:00

I have just noticed that Beautiful Katamari is coming out for the XBox 360 and not the PS3, which has actually made my PS3 spectacularly even more useless than it already is. Yes, I did end up with a PS3 through a bizzare twist of fate. Yes, I do feel dirty.

I'm really quite disappointed with my Playstation 3 so far because I was really expecting there to be much more exclusive and good material for it, but really, up to this point it's just been a ridiculously expensive PS2 that somehow manages to make my PS2 games look worse than they would if I just played them on an actual PS2.

Really, my only motivation at this point for not gutting the PS3 for parts and using them to build a kickarse robot is Metal Gear Solid 4, which I maintain hope will manage to be yet more confusing than all past installments in the Metal Gear Solid series. But that's all. Everything else could be fufilled by a decent XBox 360. Plus the 360 has Dead Rising, which is an awesome game that will never, ever get old.

I mean, now it's got Katamari as an exclusive. Katamari kicks ass. It's all I use my PS3 for right now anyway. Katamari Damacy is pretty much the best game ever made.

I remember seeing it in the store, back when it was released at crappy bargain bin price. I believe my initial reaction, based on the box, was 'what'. I bought it on a whim, figuring I needed some crap game I could blow some time on and never think of again.

My memory of the following days begins to fade after approximately the eighth day of constant gameplay. My next memories involve waking up in an alley in a pool of my own vomit next to a gigantic ball of tape with several homeless men stuck to it. Scrawled across the walls in some red paint of unknown origin were the words 'make the moon' repeated ad infinitum across the walls of the nearby store.

I really liked that game.

Now it's coming out for the 360.

I don't really have money for a 360.

There is only one solution. I must construct a robot from PS3 parts and send it off to rob a series of banks and possibly have wacky adventures with a funny black sidekick and a firey redhead love interest, just like in that film I saw. I think it was called Casablanca.

No time to finish this post, I have to work on the robot. Maybe I'll play some Katamari after I'm done.

This is the last known entry in the author's journal. After writing it, he apparently constructed a bank robbing automaton and went mad realizing he had destroyed the very thing upon which he intended to play this 'Katamari'. He is currently in residence at Arkham Asylum, where he is reported to be spending most of his time raving about 'how many things there are on Earth' and scrawling constellations on the walls in crayon.

The robot's location is unknown. It was last seen with Eddie Murphy heading towards the Mexican border with several generic large sacks with single dollar signs printed upon them. More on this situation as it develops.

~Pudding

Zombies on my Wii

2007-07-23T18:20:00.000-07:00

Mara, who I mentioned earlier as being next in line as an artist for this comic thing should the Korean drawing slaves revolt against my tyrannical rule, has been complaining that the comic as I am writing it has some striking resemblences to the TV series Firefly, citing various reasons including 'the captain is a badass' to 'it has things that fly' to 'there are people in it' To her I say 'piss off, I'll steal ideas from wherever I damn well like.'

Anyway, I felt vaguely obligated to update today, so I have pulled myself away from the groping paws of my furious pornography addiction to blather on in a blog that no one reads about nothing in particular. For today's topic, we will discuss whatever I think of first.

Well, I had a thirty cent pack of instant noodles for lunch today. It was horrible. It tasted like paper and a solid block of noodles, but that might have been because I forgot to take it out of the package first. When I finished my lunch I stumbled dazedly into the living room for a rousing game of whatever was hooked up to the TV at the time because I couldn't be arsed to get up and change anything.

This turned out to be Resident Evil 2. Since it was already in the Wii, I decided that I would play it, due to the aforementioned laziness.

The following is an account of my thoughts as I played the game.

---

Right, I'll just reload that save with all the infinite ammo weapons and have a blast.

Where the hell is my memory card?

Damn it, left it over at Mark's.

Right, have I got a file on the other memory card? Apparently not.

New game then. Which character do I choose? Leon is the tough and manly one, but Claire has tits. And I am partial to tits.

Ah, fuck it. Let's be Leon.

sweet fucking jesus that man has a scary voice

Okay. Skip the recap, watch the intro.

Okay. Truck driver throws zombie out of his truck and drives off. That's the manly thing to do and I expect it from truckers. This game is realistic so far.

Police officer driving into town. Isn't there supposed to be a military blockade of Raccoon City? How did he miss that? This man must be spectacularly unobservant.

Okay. Body in the street. Not normal.

Don't check it you idiot don't you even know how this game works?

oh crap zombies run you fool

I said 'run like a pussy', not 'stand and fight'. Stupid cop.

Right, now you've done it. The body's woken up.

Well, okay. You managed to kill that one. Maybe you're not a complete retard.

Okay, now we're running. Finally listening to me.

Yes. Save the chick. Now she'll pretty much have to give you head.

And steal a conveniently unlocked police car for her to give you head in. Genius.

Talk talk talk. Boooooring.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE WAS A ZOMBIE IN THE BACK SEAT AAAAAAAAGH

Well, you crashed the car, but at least you killed the zombie. You're safe, unless, for example, that truck driver from earlier came back as a zombie and rammed you both with his truck. But what are the chances of th-

Fuck.

Right then. Let's do this thang.

HA HA ZOMBIES YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR MY MIGHTY HANDGUN.

...no more buwwets?

Right, fuck this. Running like hell.

Right into the waiting arms of a zombie. That's good. MASH BUTTONS

Ha ha, pathetic zombie. You are no match for my Leon S. Kennedy skillz.

Hey that's not fair, you snuck up on me.

Ow, goddamnit. Get your filthy zombie hands off me.

Wait no don't toss me into the other zombies!

so much blood

why

why the pain

it hurts

Hey look it's the title screen. Right, let's try that again.

HA HA ZOMBIES YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR MY SUPERIOR SPEED AND AGILITY

son of a bitch why was there a zombie around the corner

Ha ha, one zombie can't get me down!

But the other four coming around the corner after me probably could.

so much pain

take me home now god

Or back to the title screen, that's good too.

Well, third time's the charm.

Dodgy dodge, avoid the zombie around the corner, run a loop around the next one and IN THE DOOR. That's right, bitches. I made it past the first street. Raise the roof.

WAIT NO DON'T SHOOT ME I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DO ALL THAT AGAIN

Well, now that that's settled I'm going to loot all your bullets and leave without paying, k?

SWEET JESUS FUCK THEY FOLLOWED ME

Okay, I'm going to run like a pussy while they eat the owner. Rest well, sweet gun shop owner. Your sacrifice will always be remembered until I forget you about ten minutes from now.

And down the alley.

Ha ha stupid zombies can't get through a fence.

wait shit yes they can

EAT LEAD YOU UNDEAD MOTHERFUCKERS

Yeah, that's right. Who's the ma- OH FUCK THERE'S ONE STILL IN THE BASKETBALL COURT

ow ow ow

gtfo zombie

Limp, limp, limp, limp away in terror!

All right. Safe now.

Up the stairs, across the catwalk, down the stairs, over the dumpster, partially eaten by the undead chick, limp away like a pansy.

Shit, there's a bunch of zombies here.

Oh wait they're eating some corpse. I guess I'm safe as long as they don't...

...see me. Shit.

Public transit will save me! Bus ho!

Crap there's zombies on the bus too.

Well it's a narrow aisle so I'll just shoot in a line.

Zombie death sounds herald my victory!

WAIT FUCK THERE'S ONE ON THE FLOOR OH CHRIST MY LEG

off with your head!

And off of the bus!

Crap more zombies.

Blam. Yeah, that's right. Fall over and let me run straight past you.

Stupid zombies. Now I'm in the police station gates and therefore sa-

SHIT THERE ARE ZOMBIES IN THE GARDEN TOO

ow ow ow

oh god the pain

why

Limping away at severely reduced speed!

Okay. In the police station. Safety at last. Even if I am in Danger and moving about as fast as a ninety year old woman trying to go uphill in a blizzard.

Okay, these two doors are locked, what about this one?

Hey it's Will Smith!

He gave me a card and kicked me out. Such a nice young man.

Okay, unlocking the hall doors.

Well, let's try this one first.

One... two... three... four... okay too many. Fuck this. Other door.

This room is empty, and therefore safe.

Wait did something just move in the window?

Probably nothing. Onward, brave company!

Hey cool, an FMV... HOLY SHITTING FUCK I HAVE TO FIGHT THAT THING?

...and I'm dead.

Fuck this, I'm playing Paper Mario.

---

Crap, I suck at Paper Mario too.

Sob.

Why does the Goomba hurt me so.

~ Pudding

Plugging Unreleased Products and Various Drivel

2007-07-23T05:45:00.000-07:00

It's a well known fact among those who know me that I get way too far into coming up with worlds for pretty much anything I write. I am currently trying to write the first story for a webcomic. Why? Because I saw a picture of a pirate my friend drew, and I thought about what kind of person she would be, and things in my brain just snowballed from there. Now I have a complete cast of characters, a world with at least thirty years of history behind it thought out, and lengthy character sheets with each character's first conscious thought scribed upon them.

All because I saw a picture of a pirate drawn years ago.

Well, I got to thinking, I came up with all this, why not use it? And it's been a long term dream of mine to have a woman draw whatever I put down on paper, so why not make it a comic?

So that'll be coming soon. When I get finished writing it, probably sometime early August, I shall force my team of Korean drawing slaves to churn out streams of comics.

Oh, how they will churn!

By the way, if you're interested in seeing very rough sketchy work someone who isn't a Korean drawing slave and who I may have to actually consider asking to be the artist did of the main character, you can find it here. The character's name is Lynne Greenwood and she was originally a pirate but has gone from straight up pirate to morally questionable airship captain who is a goddamn badass. Seriously. She kicks a ninja through a window. After setting him on fire.

The artist of that particular rough sketch is Mara Quincy Rickman Theodore Worthington, Esquire. She is not quite as much of a badass. Don't tell her I said that.

She might just hurt me.

---

Well, as plugging time is over it seems I may have to come up with an actual update for today, this being a blog for humorous comments I make about other things, so let's pick some random events from the news. To the RSS feed!

India probes baby body parts find

Right, never mind.

Badgsturbation

2006-11-28T19:45:00.000-08:00

I couldn't think of what to write for this update, because I'm a lazy twat who hasn't slept for quite a while. So I went to Wikipedia and clicked Random Article. It served me an informative monologue on the noble sport of badger baiting.

Badger Baiting.

Here, I'll put it in big text so you can get that exactly right with no errors in your thought processes.

BADGER BAITING

Yes. I was incredulous too. But Wikipedia sagely informed me that badger baiting was "a blood sport involving the baiting of badgers."

Well that clears things right up.

Upon further research, I discovered that badger baiting is the barbaric and possibly erotic, if performed under the right conditions, sport of pitting a slavering terrier against a poor somewhat less than defenceless badger.

That is fucking awesome.

Really. I think the English had it right when they came up with this. Dog. Badger. Locked in mortal combat. Best. Sport. Ever.

Cause I can't really think of anything more to say on this subject, I'm going to compile a list of deathmatches that would possibly be even more exciting.

Snake vs. Mongoose
Ant vs. Gerbil
Jesus vs. Robot
The Terminator vs. Captain Planet
Pudding vs. Post He's Getting Bored With And Will Probably Just Cut Off Midsente

~Pudding

Sweet dreams are made of cheese

2006-11-27T06:41:00.001-08:00

You may notice I added Adsense to the bottom of the blog. This is because I feel like earning a paltry three cents a year from people clicking on these ads. That's right, people, if you click those ads you get me money.

So, y'know, click.

Please?

I need to eat food tonight.

---

You may also notice that I have been weeks late in updating despite rather clearly laying down a schedule the post before. This is because, as stated, I fail to care about writing a blog for all of three people when my life goes all pear shaped. I was sick for a long time and found myself in a hospital room with nothing but my laptop and my Resident Evil Playstation discs.

I learned something from this experience. Resident Evil is not a good game to play when you have vivid and feverish dreams every time you fall asleep.

Vivid dreams with zombies are bad enough.

Feverish dreams get really fucked up really fast.

Combine the two and you'll understand what I went through for two weeks. The dreams were so vivid that I could remember them clearly after waking, so I began to write them down to pass the time.

This is one of them.

---

It was pitch black. I was likely to be eaten by a grue. Then a door opened and Claire Redfield stumbled in carrying an oversized banana that she weilded like a shotgun.

The reason she was chased soon became apparent. Zombies stumbled into the door and we were soon cornered. Then, inexplicably, MacGyver blew up a wall from the other side and we escaped in a helicopter, except instead of flying it drove down a highway.

In a series of conversations it was revealed that the zombies were actually the Teletubbies. They were being led by a two hundred foot tall robotic "MechaJesus".

I think you see where this is going. It was soon decided that we should destroy the MechaJesus, and it was then that MacGyver revealed his treacherous nature by blowing himself up and raining down a thousand poisioned lollipops upon Claire and myself. Claire was killed because a lolly stick got stuck in her eye. I took her banana and bravely pressed on.

MechaJesus and I inexplicably met in the inexplicable arena at the inexplicable middle of an inexplicable meadow. We began to fight using large Q-tips. Just as all seemed lost the A-Team drove through a wall and shot everything up without actually killing anyone at all.

Then we all enjoyed ice cold glasses of mayonaisse. Except BA, who demanded Clamato for reasons known only to him.

And I woke up.

My brain comes up with weird shit when I'm sick.

~Pudding

The Three Bears - Revised Edition

2006-11-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

I have about six people who want to read this now. This means I have to actually start updating regularly. So here's a schedule.

Monday - Friday I update once a day so you have something to read at school or work. These range from a paragraph to several paragraphs to a long rant.

Saturday and Sunday I work extra hard to review some piece of media I've seen that week. This can be considered a formal article and will be reasonably long.

We at Pudding Entertainment reserve the right to deviate from this whenever we want and you can't do anything about it ha ha.

---

Okay. Real update. How about a short story?

Once upon a time there were three bears. Mama and Papa bear went out with their son, Baby Bear, whose name would haunt him well into his old age, to buy some apples or something.

They left their porridge on the table to cool while they were out. But being bears and therefore lacking opposable thumbs they couldn't lock the door on their way out.

Goldilocks came skipping through the forest until she came upon the bears cottage. She opened the door and saw the porridge. She hadn't eaten breakfast that day and so she sat down at the biggest chair and tried some porridge.

Then Papa bear came in the house because he forgot his hat and saw Goldilocks eating his porridge. "You were gonna eat my motherfucking porridge, you little bitch!" he said. Then he tore her head off.

THE END.

Heartwarming.

Phonix Wroight - Ayse Arterny

2006-11-06T06:24:00.000-08:00

Yes I know this is my first post in a while. Go whine at someone who cares.

I recently found Jesus. Then I lost him again so I have to buy a new one next time I'm at the shop.

But anyway. I also recently found my DS along with the Jesus action figure. The novelty of having Jesus kung fu fight with Captain Picard and Batman easily wore off so I went out looking for a new game to play.

Phoenix Wright came to me in my time of need. This could be the opening line of a really dirty piece of fanfiction but not in this case. If you are looking for dirty fanfiction you may want to try the rest of the internet.

I began to play this wonderful little game, with its whimsical little anime characters and its own little brand of "science". At least in the last case of the game which we all really only played because Gant was funny.

I got so into this game that I even joined a Phoenix Wright forum. I am considering shamelessly advertising my blog in my signature there and some of you've probably been. But recently I came to a realization.

This game is not meant to be played by "normal people". I must be some kind of freak or something because none of my friends want anything to do with this game.

Don't believe me? Read my friend's gaming journal. No, he doesn't actually keep a gaming journal. Yes I wrote this because I was bored.

---

Phoenix What?

Maybe this would be sort of cool.

Okay, that bastard bought the last copy. I have to order it off the internets? Fuck that, I'll borrow it.

Waiting, waiting, la la la la la.

Hey here he is. Give give give.

Where the hell is that DS?

Dammit, the cat pushed it off my desk again. Now there's a crack in the GBA holdy thingy.

Oh well, time to play!

Holy crap this title screen has buttons! You can TOUCH them? What the fuck?

Oh wait, it's the DS. Never mind.

Okay... holy crap that's a dead chick. And a guy in a pink suit or something with a dot on his head! Awesome!

Okay... when do I get to play?

Talking talking talking! Where's the naked kung fu?

Hey I hope you can naked fight that Fey chick, I'd hit that.

Okay. A courtroom. So "attorney" isn't Japanese for naked kung fu fighting women. Fuck.

Heh. There's a bald guy.

Crap he's the judge I hope he didn't hear me call him a bald guy.

Oh wait it's a game. Never mind.

...hey there's a little question and answer session thingy... crap I don't know this lawyer stuff! What's a "defendant"?

Okay I got it wrong twice, the third one must be right.

I am so freaking smart.

What's a "Witness Testimoney"? Do I get paid now?

Oh. Testimony. Crap.

OH SHIT WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE PAYING ATTENTION

Oh. You get to go over it again. Good.

"Contradiction?" Heh. She said "dick" if you say it out loud.

Man that's a nice rack.

Okay. So I yell "Objection!" into the microphone when I want to FUCK I DIDN'T WANT TO YET.

Okay. I lost a little exclamation point. I'm cool, I can deal.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Okay. One last point. Whatever you do don't hold down the button like this and say "OBJECTION!"

Fuck.

Okay, he got convicted. Start again.

...I have to watch all this crap again?

That's a damn fine rack.

Seriously those are some nice boobs. I hope she doesn't die in the second case. That would really suck cause I want to keep looking at these.

Okay. Now let's actually read this stuff.

That doesn't sound quite right.

"OBJECTION!"

Crap now everyone is looking at me.

Move along, nothing to see here.

Crap I have to do this shit again?

Dammit Payne shut the fuck up you sound like a schoolgirl.

You know this is really stupid if the judge had just watched the opening cutscene he'd know this Sahwit dude did it.

Contradictions again. Man this guy is a moron.

What's an evidence?

Oh. Those things.

Take that, bitch.

Sweet I won.

Crap, boobs dies. Fuck this, what's the point?

"Compelling... story"? What the hell is the point of that if there aren't any consistent tits?

Yeah, take your game back! It sucks! Sucks like you!

Please come back.

I'm so lonely.

So lonely.

Lonely.

~ Pudding

Untitleded

2006-07-27T14:20:00.000-07:00

For want of something to write about that is worthwhile or even reasonably interesting I am going to go from one subject to something completely different and draw some form of association between them for the purpose of this "humour" that you meatsacks seem to love so.

Right then. Patrick Stewart.

Patrick Stewart played Captain Picard on "Star Trek: The Next Generation".

Captain Picard calls Riker Number One.

Who is Number One?

You are Number Six.

I am not a number, I am a free man!

A Gordon Freeman.

Gordon Freeman has a crowbar.

Crows do not have bars.

Ducks walk into bars.

Ducks are served at Chinese resturaunts sometimes.

China has Too Many People. To solve this they introduced a cap on the number of children you are allowed to have.

Caps are like hats.

You wear hats on your head.

Head is what you pay a prostitute for.

Prostitutes know Kung Fu and can dodge bullets.

But when the time comes they won't have to.

Just like Jesus.

Jesus died on the cross for all our sins.

Batman gets cross and kills sinners.

Batman has no superpowers.

Harrison Ford also has no superpowers.

Harrison Ford played Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones has a whip.

When a problem comes along, you must whip it. Whip it good.

You fucked up S&Mer, you.

S&M is not good to eat, unlike M&M's.

Eminem is a rapper.

Rap is the tool of Satan to eat our souls and turn them into little dots.

Pac-Man eats these little dots.

Sometimes if you eat a big dot all the ghosts turn blue.

Blue is a colour.

So is purple.

Purple is the colour of homosexuality.

Homosexuality is disapproved of by many people, but it's going to happen anyway.

Eating babies is disapproved of by many people, but it's going to happen anyway.

Eating babies is not very nice unless you dip them in chocolate.

Chocolate dipping is how you kill a ninja.

The Ninja fucks your mom. She gives the ninja crabs.

Giant Enemy Crabs.

Giant Enemy Craps.

Craps is often found in a casino.

Bond is often found in particularly "Royale" casinoes.

Bond is a secret agent.

Agents live in the Matrix.

In Soviet Russia, Matrix has YOU!

Soviet Russia is a magical land where dreams come true.

Except that dream, you sick fuck.

Sick fucks make the world go round.

It's a small world, after all.

"It's A Small World After All" is the most annoying song in existence.

Existence is a lie.

The Matrix is a lie.

This statement is a lie.

TIME PARADOX.

Now you've done it, you've changed the future.

Marty, you've got to go back! Back to the FUTURE!

Marty was played by Michael J. Fox.

Fox McCloud has an Arwing.

Pirates have parrots which have ARRwings.

The mortal enemy of the pirate is the ninja.

Ninja are found in places like Japan and France.

The national sport of Japan is bukkake.

Bukkake has been known to kill small animals.

The English have been known to kill small animals.

England is not in fact jolly or old.

Santa is not in fact jolly or old.

Santa is a pedophile.

Pedophiles like children.

Barney the Dinosaur likes children.

Barney the Dinosaur was portrayed by an underpaid Spaniard named Salvador. After his contract expired he pursued medicine and became a surgeon in one of Spain's leading hospitals, specializing in crainioectomy.

Dr. Salvador uses a chainsaw to perform emergency surgery.

Emergency surgery is often completely unnesecary.

Garden gnomes are often completely unnesecary.

Garden gnomes make handy cannon ammunition.

Cannons are often mounted on pirate ships.

Pirate ships are often filled with pirates.

Therefore, Patrick Stewart is often filled with pirates.

That's really fucking creepy. If I sleep tonight my dreams will be filled with Pirate Stewart induced terror. You see what you people do to me? DO YOU? KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!

...I'm done now.

...please don't lock me up again.

...you're going to lock me up again aren't you. I hate you. Go away.

Unsolved Mysteries

2006-07-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

In this post, I shall attempt to answer all of the unsolved questions of the universe. Well, not all of them. More like four or five. But still.

Shall we begin?

Q. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A. To answer this we must first assume that the woodchuck is of average size and completely physically able to engage in the casual woodchuckery that is his wont. Now, the woodchuck, upon finding a source of wood, eg. a tree, will have to uproot and chuck it. To do this, he will need to build a tree uprooting machine, which ironically will require more wood previously chucked by other means. Therefore the answer is no wood, as a woodchuck cannot build the required equipment needed to chuck a source of wood without first chucking other wood to build said equipment which he cannot do without said equipment therefore woodchucks are completely useless except as a substitute for chicken at KFC which brings us to...

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To get the fuck away from Colonel Saunders.

Q. What is the best possible way to kill James Bond?

A. Lolzorz, of course. Mr. Bond seems completely capable of escape from a laser related danger, but from internet nooblets there can be no escape. Imagine...

BLOFELD: Mmmmyes Mr. Bond... you will know the true meaning of pain. Lawls?

LAWLS: LOLOLOLOLOLOL UR NOOB BNOD GTFO TEH SERVER

BOND: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MAKE IT STOP!

(BOND explodes)

BLOFELD: Excellent. Now for square dancing!

(Evil laughing ensues)

...well, that may be just a BIT creepy. But hey, it works.

Q. Why didn't Jesus shoot lasers from his eyes and kill Batman when they got in that lightsaber duel?

A. Because lightsabers can deflect lasers, dumbshit.

Q. Who would win in a fight - Kirk or Picard?

A. Janeway.

Q. Can I get an STD from myself?

A. I'm not even going to answer that one. In fact, I give up.

Well, that's a wrap. If you want me to answer your questions, email me or include them in a comment or something and hopefully I'll read them at some point and when I rule the world you can be in my cabinet. With the dishes.

If I was an internet nooblet I would insert "LOL" here.

But I'm just leaving now.

Because I'm not.

LOL

See what you made me do? I hate you. Go away. You're making me want to cry.

Pizza pizza is so great, Pizza makes you masturbate! Well, not for normal people. Just you, you sick fuck.

2006-07-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

Pizza is the food of the gods. Seriously. It's what Zeus eats in his holy land of Mongolia. If Zeus is hungry he calls Pizza Hut and orders a large cheese pepperoni and mushroom. Hera sometimes wants ham but Zeus bitchslaps her and screams STFU BITCH.

But really, the reason pizza is so awesome is simply its versatility. Need a quick dinner for whiny kids? Cheese and Pepperoni shuts their little faces in a hurry. Need a tasty snack or a nice dinner? Your toppings of choice are available, unless you enjoy pieces of dead baby on your pizza in which case you will have to make it yourself as most Pizza Huts, at least in my area, do not carry such ingredients. Well, there is that one, but I don't go there because the guy at the counter keeps telling me I have a nice ass.

Also, if you cook a pizza for long enough it becomes hard as a diamond and can be used as a ninja weapon for the ninja on a budget who can't afford those ridiculously expensive shuriken. This is ridiculously useful as it enables you to kill even the most highly trained Italian Pizza Ninja in a matter of seconds. Or something. Why are you reading this anyway? It's a nice day out. Why are you inside? Shoo! Shoo!

...now then, to write an update about a film I've seen recently so I can actually put up something decent today or tomorrow rather than this piece of crap about pizza.

Adventure Games and Why I Can't Make Them

2006-07-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

I have been looking to make an adventure game for a long time now. This is because I play games a fucking lot and I have begun to start to want to make them. My favourite sort are adventure games, like the point n clicks. I play them. Lots. To the point where the left mouse button of my mouse is shattered beyond repair.

So to make an AGS game what do you need? Ability to understand whatever odd sorts of code and clicky things the engine throws at me? Check. A script worthy of winning several prizes judged and awarded by me to me? Check. Music? Nick it off of RPG Maker sites. Check. Art? Gwuh?

That is my only stumbling block. I could churn out brilliant games and win the adoration of millions for my witty dialogue and inventive puzzles except I CAN'T FUCKING DRAW. This pisses me off to no end. Really.

My art sucks, in a nutshell. It's like watching an elephant rape a monkey in the ass. It's fascinating in a completely fucked up and unnatural way.

There, I'm done venting. Back to working on scripts that will never become games.

Tommorow, either why I hate the circus or whatever the fuck I think of at the time. Seeing as I've never actually been to the circus it'll probably be the latter. Yes, I know this update was a cop out. I'm watching Firefly. Piss off.

I'm a diligent little blogger I am.

2006-07-08T15:22:00.000-07:00

You're getting two posts today, you lucky two people who read this. The reason is because I have nothing to do and I had a half finished post lying around itching to be finished.

You may think, from all the posts in this blog I mass deleted by accident that you new readers will never see, that I hate everything in the Entire Fucking World. This is not true at all. There are, in fact, several things that I do like in this world. So you know what to send me for my birthday, I am going to now list them here.

- Chocolate pudding
- My fedora which some insist is actually a trilby so I call it that too
- The Indiana Jones Films
- Phoning Pizza Pizza and telling them to deliver a pizza to another Pizza Pizza.
- Phoning Pizza Pizza and trying to have phone sex with the guy who answers.
- Phoning Pizza Pizza and ordering a hamburger.
- Phoning the operator and asking stupid questions
- Pissing people off
- Being an asshole
- Trying to woo women who have never met me over the internet. Extra points if they're from Tennessee.
- Walking into a room where there is some sort of event going on and yelling "STOP. Hammertime."
- Kicking the shit out of people who dare insult my hat.

If I think of any more I'll post them later. Right now I'm thirsty and am going to go and see if you can get drunk off tea.

~Pudding

Edit: You can't.

Insert witty comment here.

2006-05-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

I am bored. This is normal and usually ignored, but today it is especially bad.

So I am going to entertain myself through the magic of writing a stupid post in a blog nobody reads.

On the subject of cats.

Cats are furry. Their main difference from dogs lies in their lack of annoying barking. This does not mean cats are not annoying.

Cats were invented in 1066 at the Battle of Hastings when they were needed for cat-a-pults which had also just been invented. They proved ineffective and were soon replaced by the superior rock.

Rocks are made of stone. Stones are made of rock. This is confusing. Confusion tastes much like strawberries.

Strawberries are found on trees and are tasty. Deceptively tasty. They cause you head to asplode painfully. This is not very good at all. Therefore the next question is obviously "why do the hats want to eat my brain?"

The answer is obviously that you have no spork. The spork is the only known way of fighting the hats. Right, I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about anymore, so let's talk about names that begin with "M". Like "Mark" or "Mary" or to a lesser extent "Megan", which is a thuroughly undesirable name and if you have it I reccomend you change your name to Seigfried immediately. That means YOU, Megan.

People whose names begin with M are the only people allowed to be in charge of MI6. Some of them have one letter names, which are obviously "M".

...right, I'm bored again.

...sod it, I'm going to go watch Indiana Jones again.

...and my VCR is broken.

...crap.