Tackling the Issues

oh blimey i've still got one of these blog things haven't i

It's come to my attention that in previous years, people I know have been forced to humiliate themselves in front of the internet in the name of their report card by writing blogs much like this one except not run by me obviously. I found one of these by accident while putting the name of a girl I know through google for entirely non-stalking related reasons and the result has been several hours of hilarity as I peruse standardized articles on the same topic from several different people with responses ranging from well-thought out and nuanced to eye-bleedingly soul-crushingly horrible.

the things i've seen

Now, as a result of not subjecting myself to the relevant course, I never had to do this. But why don't I? I have myself read the travails of dedicated journalists getting to the heart of the issues that affect us today, and I sit here writing silly articles about people who engage in sex acts with badgers? No more, I say.

From this day forth, Pudding Entertainment will bring you its brand of hard hitting analysis ofcurrent world events, starting right now!

Now where does one find current world events? Why, by trolling news sites and reading the headlines!

TO THE WEBSITE OF BBC NEWS

I am confronted by a cornucopia of exciting current world events! Time to sample but a few!

Deadly strike on S.Lanka hospital

The UN says many people, including children, are killed in Sri Lanka as shells hit a crowded hospital in a rebel-held area.

okay i don't have anything funny to say about this one actually

Synagogue attacked in Venezuela 

An armed gang ransacks a synagogue in Venezuela, and demands that Jews be expelled from the country.

this one either

Week of mourning for Kenya fires

Kenya declares a week of national mourning after two large fires in a week claim more than 135 lives.

okay maybe this wasn't the best idea for a comedy blog 

Well, so much for that, then. The world is too crappy to make light of. Nothing could possibly ever make these horrible world events any better.

Wait! What if it were possible to... yes!

There we go.

~Pudding

Entirely Accurate Assessments

I hate you, Mara. I don't DO this kind of thing, and yet you force me. So, I'm answering these questions based on my wild and unsubstantiated assumptions about you. Also, as I copy pasted it, I noticed it is missing numbers. So, gentle readers, I am not an idiot, she is.

Can you answer 84 questions about just one person?

1) What’s their name?

Mara Soriano

2) Does he or she have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Both.

3) Do you get along with this person all the time?

Practically never.

4) How old is the person?

16.

5) Has he/she ever cooked for you?

No, I don't imagine she'd taste very good cooked.

6) Is this person older than you?

No, I am older by about forty years. Er, one year. Yeah.

7) Have you ever kissed this person?

I don't put my mouth on things if I don't know where they've been.

9) Are you related to this person?

Not as far as I know.

10) Are you really close to him/her?

All the time. Allllways watching.

11) Nickname?

'Sandy Bendover'

12.) Do they have a nickname for you?

They'd damned well better not.

13) How many times do you talk to this person during a week?

Every day she's online, briefly, to which the answer is always 'no but I'll finish it later'.

14) Will this person repost this?

oh god time paradox

15) Do you live with this person?

No, we'd kill each other in fifteen seconds.

16) Why is this person your number 1?

Personal gain.

17) Do they have a nickname for you?

Didn't I just answer this one?

18) How long have you known this person?

I have no idea.

19) Have you ever been to the mall with this person?

Why the hell would I want to go to the mall with her? That ends in buying things.

20) Have you ever had a sleepover with this person?

One time, but she didn't know and I was gone before she woke up.

21) If you ever moved away would you miss this person?

Ah, the wonders of our glorious internet age.

23) Have you ever done something really stupid or illegal with this person ?

I'm pretty sure it isn't illegal in Canada. I hope.

24) Do you know everything about this person?

evvvverything

25) Would you date this person’s siblings?

yes if i were so inclined i would indeed measure the radioactive decay of their carbon 14 molecules

26) Have you ever made out with this person?

I was drunk at the time and I thought it was her, dammit.

29) Have you gone skinny dipping with this person?

Our annual naked fistfight on a tightrope over the Pacific Ocean kind of counts, considering how it always ends.

31) Is this person on drugs?

The tranquilizer darts don't count.

33) Have you ever worn this person’s clothes?

Not that she knows of.

34) Does this person wear your clothes?

Not that I know of.

35) If it was “freaky friday” would you switch bodies with this person?

hee hee i'd have boobies

36) Have you ever heard this person sing?

Yes, actually, she sent me a recording. I'm still working over the lingering mental trauma in therapy.

38) Do you and this person have a saying/word?

'FUCK THA POLICE' 

39) Do you know this persons Facebook password?

I stay far, far away from Facebook at all times.

39) Do you know this persons Facebook password?

I just answered this damn you.

44.) Have you and this person gone clubbing?

All night long. Those baby seals didn't see it coming.

45) Do you know how to make this person feel happy / laugh?

Its name rhymes with Hitachi Magic Pond and it's not Ian Fleming/Hitachi/Harry Potter product placement.

46) Do you and this person talk alot?

she just keeps talking and talking in one long incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no one has a chance to interrupt

it is really quite hypnotic

47) Do you like this person?

I hate her with the fury of the Thousand Suns of Harneth-Kadnar. <3

48) Has this person yelled at you?

All I have to do is argue with her over inconsequential things that she likes. It's easy AND rewarding!

49) Have you and this person got into a fist fight?

Once we did to see who would win. I threw her through an eighth floor window after she rammed a screwdriver through my arm.

50) Do you want to go out with this person?

That depends on where and whether or not she was paying.

60) Do you and this person have a special song?

I don't know about her, but mine is The Sailor Song.

61) Have you told this person you loved them before?

Once, while bleeding out in the rain in the aftermath of our climatic gunfight.

62) Did they say it back?

Actually, she shot me again. It hurt.

63) Do you think this person still loves you?

Did you miss the part where she shot me? Like, five times?

64) What grade is this person in?

F

65) Do you hang out with this person on weekends?

No, I spend my evenings in higher-class company.

66) Would you consider this person your best friend?

I'm serious. Five times. While I was on the ground. It wasn't even remotely fair.

67) Do you miss this person?

Well, that's kind of how I ended up getting shot, because if I'd hit her there wouldn't have been a problem.

68) Is there a song that describe the relationship between you and this person?

Yellow Submarine.

69) Have you danced with this person?

but it's alllll right now

in fact it's a gas

70) Do you think this person is going to be surprised you wrote this about them?

Considering she forced me into it, not at all.

71) How many siblings does this person have?

There were at least 6577 other larvae in the hive-clutch.

72) If so, brother or sister?

They are as countless legion.

73) Have you ever cried in front of this person?

In my defense, the bullets hurt.

74) When is the next time you will see this person?

As soon as I angle the telescope back in the right direction again.

75) Do you tell this person secrets?

The ones that don't pertain to her!

76) Do you trust this person?

Implicitly. Except when she's angry. Then she gets violent and vengeful and doesn't care who she hurts and the pain it never stops ever.

77) Does this person trust you?

I doubt it, she knows I'm a magnificent bastard.

78) What is this persons middle name?

'Ludwig'.

79) What is this persons full name?

Mara Ludwig Kill-o-Tron Soriano

80) Does this person play sports?

Bear-blasting. 

81) If so, which sports?

Goddamnit can't you read.

82) Have you been to this persons house?

Not that she or anyone else is aware of.

83) What is this persons favorite song?

Everything by The Wiggles.

84) Does this person speak another language?

Ebonics.

For Fun and Profit

I have a new short story written, and I posted it up on my Deviant-Art account, of which I am extremely ashamed. Go quick and read it before I remember I hate every single word of everything I ever write and delete it in a cavaclade of sudden remorse for ever baring my soul to the ravages of the internet.

http://pudding-4-evar.deviantart.com/art/Piracy-for-Fun-and-Profit-104428494

The Adventures of Barack Obama

The following is based on a true story.

The story starts as most things do

With Barack Obama

He was at home watching his

Most favourite TV drama

He was getting settled

In the White House den,

When the front window shattered

And through dived Joe Biden

 

‘What are you doing’ cried Barack

‘You’re interrupting Law and Order!

‘If you don’t have a good reason

Your face I will reorder.’

‘Sorry sir’ said the VP

‘I really have to beg your pardon,

‘John McCain has a giant robot,

‘And he’s tearing up the garden.’

 

Outside Barack and Biden rushed

To dish out some pain

Through Presidential magnolias,

Stomped Metal John McCain!

‘Stop that, you.’ Obama yelled

With fury shook his fist,

He was just so angry

He nearly hurt his wrist.

‘My friends,’ said old McCain

Waving from his seat

‘I am here to destroy you

And make your garden much less neat.’

‘Nefarious!’ cried Biden

Jumping up and down

Obama stood there silent

With nothing but a frown.

 

‘As you can see’ laughed John McCain

‘I have a giant ‘bot.

‘Against its fearsome metal might

‘You Democrats can do squat.

‘Now you are defeated,

‘And have no choice but to flee

‘Maybe now you both have learned

‘Don’t mess with the GOP.’

 

‘I do not think that this is how

The democratic process works.

 ‘McCain, I must conclude

You are a great big jerk’

McCain turned red and raised his boot

To squash the President

‘Maybe so!’ he furiously cried

‘But you can go get bent!’

‘No!’ cried Biden, and quickly pushed

Obama with a leap

But then the boot hit him instead

And he began to weep

‘Look what you’ve done now.’ said Obama

‘You made poor Biden cry

‘I’ll tell on you, if you don’t leave.

And you will get no pie.’

At Obama’s stern reproach

McCain had to back down

‘No pie?’ he said, eyes widening

‘But that would make me frown!’

‘I love my pie, Obama.’

He growled angrily.

‘But I’ll be back soon enough

‘You can’t keep the White House from me!’

 

McCain stomped off back to Alaska

Where with Palin he would vent

Obama helped Biden up

And back to the couch they went

‘Barack’ said Biden admiringly

‘You sure did show that louse.’

‘I sure did.’ grinned Obama

‘Now shut up, I’m watching House.’

A Reasonable Gap

As you might have noticed, my updating schedule is now something on the order of once a year, and yet I continue to keep this link everywhere I go, the latest place it has been linked to being on someone else's blog. Since perhaps 0.5 more people might well be duped into coming here by this development, I may as well update, despite how appalled I am looking back at how horribly and consistently unfunny I was. Am.

So I'm sort of at a loss of what to actually write about. I'm writing this immediately before unpacking my replacement XBOX 360, acquired after the old one blew up and I argued at them until they gave me a new one for free. Writing about this seems distressingly close to actually talking about my real life in a blog on the internet, something I have sworn to never do. You will never see my everyday life, love and trials on this site, mostly because it isn't entertaining and the name of the blog is not 'Pudding Boredom'. So let's think of something else entirely.

Remember how I posted about having a webcomic, or as I prefer because it's more uselessly pretentious, 'online graphic novel' and that it was going to be online 'soon' in 2006? Well prepare to be relatively amazed by it in or slightly before 2009! Judging by my update schedule, I consider 2009 'soon' and was therefore not lying.

I have it on good authority that the comic is going to be 'drawn' on 'paper' by an 'artist', specifically the beautiful and talented Ma... Bren. Bren is a friend. A Bren has not taken over a brain of a writer for NEFARIOUS PURPOSES. This is not a good thought to have. Dismiss it.

A Bren is draw a comic. A Bren comic will be about adventures of sexy and attractive SPACE COMMANDER BREN and his extremely phallic escapades with a ladies.

A ladies is seduced by a Bren. Then a Bren does a love snake into her and an egg is fertilized and in several months BREN LARVA bursts from a ladies.

accept a bren into you

it is for happiness

i feel the larvae

wiggling

;)

~pdudnig