Badgsturbation

I couldn't think of what to write for this update, because I'm a lazy twat who hasn't slept for quite a while. So I went to Wikipedia and clicked Random Article. It served me an informative monologue on the noble sport of badger baiting.

Badger Baiting.

Here, I'll put it in big text so you can get that exactly right with no errors in your thought processes.

BADGER BAITING

Yes. I was incredulous too. But Wikipedia sagely informed me that badger baiting was "a blood sport involving the baiting of badgers."

Well that clears things right up.

Upon further research, I discovered that badger baiting is the barbaric and possibly erotic, if performed under the right conditions, sport of pitting a slavering terrier against a poor somewhat less than defenceless badger.

That is fucking awesome.

Really. I think the English had it right when they came up with this. Dog. Badger. Locked in mortal combat. Best. Sport. Ever.

Cause I can't really think of anything more to say on this subject, I'm going to compile a list of deathmatches that would possibly be even more exciting.

• Snake vs. Mongoose
• Ant vs. Gerbil
• Jesus vs. Robot
• The Terminator vs. Captain Planet
• Pudding vs. Post He's Getting Bored With And Will Probably Just Cut Off Midsente

~Pudding

Sweet dreams are made of cheese

You may notice I added Adsense to the bottom of the blog. This is because I feel like earning a paltry three cents a year from people clicking on these ads. That's right, people, if you click those ads you get me money.

So, y'know, click.

Please?

I need to eat food tonight.

---

You may also notice that I have been weeks late in updating despite rather clearly laying down a schedule the post before. This is because, as stated, I fail to care about writing a blog for all of three people when my life goes all pear shaped. I was sick for a long time and found myself in a hospital room with nothing but my laptop and my Resident Evil Playstation discs.

I learned something from this experience. Resident Evil is not a good game to play when you have vivid and feverish dreams every time you fall asleep.

Vivid dreams with zombies are bad enough.

Feverish dreams get really fucked up really fast.

Combine the two and you'll understand what I went through for two weeks. The dreams were so vivid that I could remember them clearly after waking, so I began to write them down to pass the time.

This is one of them.

---

It was pitch black. I was likely to be eaten by a grue. Then a door opened and Claire Redfield stumbled in carrying an oversized banana that she weilded like a shotgun.

The reason she was chased soon became apparent. Zombies stumbled into the door and we were soon cornered. Then, inexplicably, MacGyver blew up a wall from the other side and we escaped in a helicopter, except instead of flying it drove down a highway.

In a series of conversations it was revealed that the zombies were actually the Teletubbies. They were being led by a two hundred foot tall robotic "MechaJesus".

I think you see where this is going. It was soon decided that we should destroy the MechaJesus, and it was then that MacGyver revealed his treacherous nature by blowing himself up and raining down a thousand poisioned lollipops upon Claire and myself. Claire was killed because a lolly stick got stuck in her eye. I took her banana and bravely pressed on.

MechaJesus and I inexplicably met in the inexplicable arena at the inexplicable middle of an inexplicable meadow. We began to fight using large Q-tips. Just as all seemed lost the A-Team drove through a wall and shot everything up without actually killing anyone at all.

Then we all enjoyed ice cold glasses of mayonaisse. Except BA, who demanded Clamato for reasons known only to him.

And I woke up.

My brain comes up with weird shit when I'm sick.

~Pudding

The Three Bears - Revised Edition

I have about six people who want to read this now. This means I have to actually start updating regularly. So here's a schedule.

Monday - Friday I update once a day so you have something to read at school or work. These range from a paragraph to several paragraphs to a long rant.

Saturday and Sunday I work extra hard to review some piece of media I've seen that week. This can be considered a formal article and will be reasonably long.

We at Pudding Entertainment reserve the right to deviate from this whenever we want and you can't do anything about it ha ha.

---

Okay. Real update. How about a short story?

Once upon a time there were three bears. Mama and Papa bear went out with their son, Baby Bear, whose name would haunt him well into his old age, to buy some apples or something.

They left their porridge on the table to cool while they were out. But being bears and therefore lacking opposable thumbs they couldn't lock the door on their way out.

Goldilocks came skipping through the forest until she came upon the bears cottage. She opened the door and saw the porridge. She hadn't eaten breakfast that day and so she sat down at the biggest chair and tried some porridge.

Then Papa bear came in the house because he forgot his hat and saw Goldilocks eating his porridge. "You were gonna eat my motherfucking porridge, you little bitch!" he said. Then he tore her head off.

THE END.

Heartwarming.

Phonix Wroight - Ayse Arterny

Yes I know this is my first post in a while. Go whine at someone who cares.

I recently found Jesus. Then I lost him again so I have to buy a new one next time I'm at the shop.

But anyway. I also recently found my DS along with the Jesus action figure. The novelty of having Jesus kung fu fight with Captain Picard and Batman easily wore off so I went out looking for a new game to play.

Phoenix Wright came to me in my time of need. This could be the opening line of a really dirty piece of fanfiction but not in this case. If you are looking for dirty fanfiction you may want to try the rest of the internet.

I began to play this wonderful little game, with its whimsical little anime characters and its own little brand of "science". At least in the last case of the game which we all really only played because Gant was funny.

I got so into this game that I even joined a Phoenix Wright forum. I am considering shamelessly advertising my blog in my signature there and some of you've probably been. But recently I came to a realization.

This game is not meant to be played by "normal people". I must be some kind of freak or something because none of my friends want anything to do with this game.

Don't believe me? Read my friend's gaming journal. No, he doesn't actually keep a gaming journal. Yes I wrote this because I was bored.

---

Phoenix What?

Maybe this would be sort of cool.

Okay, that bastard bought the last copy. I have to order it off the internets? Fuck that, I'll borrow it.

Waiting, waiting, la la la la la.

Hey here he is. Give give give.

Where the hell is that DS?

Dammit, the cat pushed it off my desk again. Now there's a crack in the GBA holdy thingy.

Oh well, time to play!

Holy crap this title screen has buttons! You can TOUCH them? What the fuck?

Oh wait, it's the DS. Never mind.

Okay... holy crap that's a dead chick. And a guy in a pink suit or something with a dot on his head! Awesome!

Okay... when do I get to play?

Talking talking talking! Where's the naked kung fu?

Hey I hope you can naked fight that Fey chick, I'd hit that.

Okay. A courtroom. So "attorney" isn't Japanese for naked kung fu fighting women. Fuck.

Heh. There's a bald guy.

Crap he's the judge I hope he didn't hear me call him a bald guy.

Oh wait it's a game. Never mind.

...hey there's a little question and answer session thingy... crap I don't know this lawyer stuff! What's a "defendant"?

Okay I got it wrong twice, the third one must be right.

I am so freaking smart.

What's a "Witness Testimoney"? Do I get paid now?

Oh. Testimony. Crap.

OH SHIT WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE PAYING ATTENTION

Oh. You get to go over it again. Good.

"Contradiction?" Heh. She said "dick" if you say it out loud.

Man that's a nice rack.

Okay. So I yell "Objection!" into the microphone when I want to FUCK I DIDN'T WANT TO YET.

Okay. I lost a little exclamation point. I'm cool, I can deal.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Okay. One last point. Whatever you do don't hold down the button like this and say "OBJECTION!"

Fuck.

Okay, he got convicted. Start again.

...I have to watch all this crap again?

That's a damn fine rack.

Seriously those are some nice boobs. I hope she doesn't die in the second case. That would really suck cause I want to keep looking at these.

Okay. Now let's actually read this stuff.

That doesn't sound quite right.

"OBJECTION!"

Crap now everyone is looking at me.

Move along, nothing to see here.

Crap I have to do this shit again?

Dammit Payne shut the fuck up you sound like a schoolgirl.

You know this is really stupid if the judge had just watched the opening cutscene he'd know this Sahwit dude did it.

Contradictions again. Man this guy is a moron.

What's an evidence?

Oh. Those things.

Take that, bitch.

Sweet I won.

Crap, boobs dies. Fuck this, what's the point?

"Compelling... story"? What the hell is the point of that if there aren't any consistent tits?

Yeah, take your game back! It sucks! Sucks like you!

Please come back.

I'm so lonely.

So lonely.

Lonely.

~ Pudding