This Post! Having To Do With Super Happy Glorious Nippon

I recall that at my school, we had, and probably still have if they have not fallen into murderous anarchy by this week, an anime society, also known as 'a collection of the dregs of society with nowhere else to go who cling together in their mutual conviction of the superiority of Japanese animation over everything that has ever and has yet to exist and the one Japanese kid who comes to laugh at them'.

Don't get me wrong here, they're not inherently horrible people and I do, in fact, rather like them because they happen to be a significant portion of my reader base and alienating them would be bad for the site, but their interest in Japanese animation borders on fanatical devotion to Glorious Nippon and all it stands for. It's rather amusing.

But for some time now, much like Jane Goodall and her chimpanzees, I have sat among them and observed their social habits, taking extensive notes. My research has taught me many things which are undoubtedly of value to the scientific community. No doubt some of my readers would like to pose as one of their number and infiltrate a community themselves! It is merely a matter of following simple tips which I shall here relate.

1. Familiarize yourself with the pantheon of Anime Gods. From my findings, the mighty deity 'Naruto' appears to be at the top of the Anime Society's mythological pantheon. He has a number of devoted followers and significant powers, and his followers appear to have a sort of fanatic zealotry, chanting a sort of tribal chant - 'Yaoi! Yaoi!' whenever his name is mentioned. His powers include wearing a completely unsuitable colour for a ninja. At all costs, avoid implying that the holy anime in which this greatest of gods appears is in any way inferior. Those who blaspheme in this way are put to death.

2. Insert random Japanese words into your speech desu. This serves a dual kawaii purpose. Since 99% of anime societies are dorky white kids and their derivatives (baka gaijin) who will have no idea what the fuck you are konichiwa saying anyway, they will assume you know Japanese. The bona fide Japanese chiji kid who is only there to make fun of the rest will recognize you as friend, and you will be able to devise elaborate plots to mock the 99% who now think you are extremely ocha awesome.

3. At least one hour a week, usually on the traditional worship day of Thursday (mokuyobi) must be set aside for the worship of Glorious Nippon and its animation. All who miss worship are flogged. During the worship, ancient rituals such as 'watching anime', 'watching sub-par anime' and 'super happy kawaii drawing time' take place.

4. Under no circumstances suggest that any form of alternative animation is in any way equal to or better than even the worst of anime. For this, the death penalty is strictly enforced.

5. You do not talk about Anime Club.

6. You do NOT talk about Anime Club.

By following these simple and easy steps, you too can attempt to move away from your damnable fate and be more in communion with the true masters of the world with the luck and relevant genetics to have been born in Glorious Nippon. Godspeed.

-Super Happy Fun Pudding

The Rambling Onset of Madness

I'm told I don't write in this thing nearly as often as I should. Considering my readership - people I hate and people who refuse to love me despite all my good qualities - I feel I update exactly often enough.

'Good qualities'? I hear you saying. 'Which good qualities would these be?'

You insinuate that I am without any good qualities whatsoever, but I scoff at these claims. It is the work of minutes to come up with a list of all the good things I am.

Yep.

Any minute now.

...fuck. I'll come up with something eventually.

In the meantime, have a story.

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Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and for a long time was not able to tell her. Then, finally, he did, and found out that the girl loved everybody but him. The boy was heartbroken. So he killed her, and buried her body in his backyard. This story has a moral. Do you see the moral? Do you? Aha. AHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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I... uh... I have a really stable mental state! Yeah! That's a good quality. Right?

Aw crap.

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Comic update - the website is done and ready to be put up. However, the actual strip is not up and running due to general laziness among the drawing slaves. They will be whipped and put to work. Oh, how they will be whipped.

No More Jesus?! The Last Hope!

It has come to my attention that certain elements of the world population are under the impression that I am constructing an anthropomorphic and nuclear capable robotic Jesus Christ.

This is a grave error.

I am not, nor have I ever, considered building such a thing. Your attempts to steal the blueprints have been unsuccessful due to this and your agents have been neutralized via repeated applications of a chainsaw to their upper torso.

Why? Because nobody sends ninjas to kill me.

Not without being the target of my revenge.

I'm coming for you.

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Upon further investigation I seem to have misplaced my large sack of automatic weaponry. Disregard the above. Please entertain yourself with this rendition of Stuff What I Thought Of.

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It's probably clear to anyone who's read this that this isn't so much a blog as a comedy site made up of the rants of a schizophrenic sociopath who will one day take his bloody revenge on society. That's nice and all, but some people may ask what goes on in the life of Pudding, the unfathomably puzzling enigmatic mystery fond of using redundant synonyms when describing himself.

These people will be sorely disappointed and will find that I am not going to be telling them anything about this subject at all.

Instead, I'm going to click 'Random Article' on Wikipedia and talk about whatever comes up.

Human Toilet

This is either a really lame super hero or dear god what the fuck let's never do this again

~Pudding

They see me rollin

I have just noticed that Beautiful Katamari is coming out for the XBox 360 and not the PS3, which has actually made my PS3 spectacularly even more useless than it already is. Yes, I did end up with a PS3 through a bizzare twist of fate. Yes, I do feel dirty.

I'm really quite disappointed with my Playstation 3 so far because I was really expecting there to be much more exclusive and good material for it, but really, up to this point it's just been a ridiculously expensive PS2 that somehow manages to make my PS2 games look worse than they would if I just played them on an actual PS2.

Really, my only motivation at this point for not gutting the PS3 for parts and using them to build a kickarse robot is Metal Gear Solid 4, which I maintain hope will manage to be yet more confusing than all past installments in the Metal Gear Solid series. But that's all. Everything else could be fufilled by a decent XBox 360. Plus the 360 has Dead Rising, which is an awesome game that will never, ever get old.

I mean, now it's got Katamari as an exclusive. Katamari kicks ass. It's all I use my PS3 for right now anyway. Katamari Damacy is pretty much the best game ever made.

I remember seeing it in the store, back when it was released at crappy bargain bin price. I believe my initial reaction, based on the box, was 'what'. I bought it on a whim, figuring I needed some crap game I could blow some time on and never think of again.

My memory of the following days begins to fade after approximately the eighth day of constant gameplay. My next memories involve waking up in an alley in a pool of my own vomit next to a gigantic ball of tape with several homeless men stuck to it. Scrawled across the walls in some red paint of unknown origin were the words 'make the moon' repeated ad infinitum across the walls of the nearby store.

I really liked that game.

Now it's coming out for the 360.

I don't really have money for a 360.

There is only one solution. I must construct a robot from PS3 parts and send it off to rob a series of banks and possibly have wacky adventures with a funny black sidekick and a firey redhead love interest, just like in that film I saw. I think it was called Casablanca.

No time to finish this post, I have to work on the robot. Maybe I'll play some Katamari after I'm done.

This is the last known entry in the author's journal. After writing it, he apparently constructed a bank robbing automaton and went mad realizing he had destroyed the very thing upon which he intended to play this 'Katamari'. He is currently in residence at Arkham Asylum, where he is reported to be spending most of his time raving about 'how many things there are on Earth' and scrawling constellations on the walls in crayon.

The robot's location is unknown. It was last seen with Eddie Murphy heading towards the Mexican border with several generic large sacks with single dollar signs printed upon them. More on this situation as it develops.

~Pudding

Zombies on my Wii

Mara, who I mentioned earlier as being next in line as an artist for this comic thing should the Korean drawing slaves revolt against my tyrannical rule, has been complaining that the comic as I am writing it has some striking resemblences to the TV series Firefly, citing various reasons including 'the captain is a badass' to 'it has things that fly' to 'there are people in it' To her I say 'piss off, I'll steal ideas from wherever I damn well like.'

Anyway, I felt vaguely obligated to update today, so I have pulled myself away from the groping paws of my furious pornography addiction to blather on in a blog that no one reads about nothing in particular. For today's topic, we will discuss whatever I think of first.

Well, I had a thirty cent pack of instant noodles for lunch today. It was horrible. It tasted like paper and a solid block of noodles, but that might have been because I forgot to take it out of the package first. When I finished my lunch I stumbled dazedly into the living room for a rousing game of whatever was hooked up to the TV at the time because I couldn't be arsed to get up and change anything.

This turned out to be Resident Evil 2. Since it was already in the Wii, I decided that I would play it, due to the aforementioned laziness.

The following is an account of my thoughts as I played the game.

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Right, I'll just reload that save with all the infinite ammo weapons and have a blast.

Where the hell is my memory card?

Damn it, left it over at Mark's.

Right, have I got a file on the other memory card? Apparently not.

New game then. Which character do I choose? Leon is the tough and manly one, but Claire has tits. And I am partial to tits.

Ah, fuck it. Let's be Leon.

sweet fucking jesus that man has a scary voice

Okay. Skip the recap, watch the intro.

Okay. Truck driver throws zombie out of his truck and drives off. That's the manly thing to do and I expect it from truckers. This game is realistic so far.

Police officer driving into town. Isn't there supposed to be a military blockade of Raccoon City? How did he miss that? This man must be spectacularly unobservant.

Okay. Body in the street. Not normal.

Don't check it you idiot don't you even know how this game works?

oh crap zombies run you fool

I said 'run like a pussy', not 'stand and fight'. Stupid cop.

Right, now you've done it. The body's woken up.

Well, okay. You managed to kill that one. Maybe you're not a complete retard.

Okay, now we're running. Finally listening to me.

Yes. Save the chick. Now she'll pretty much have to give you head.

And steal a conveniently unlocked police car for her to give you head in. Genius.

Talk talk talk. Boooooring.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE WAS A ZOMBIE IN THE BACK SEAT AAAAAAAAGH

Well, you crashed the car, but at least you killed the zombie. You're safe, unless, for example, that truck driver from earlier came back as a zombie and rammed you both with his truck. But what are the chances of th-

Fuck.

Right then. Let's do this thang.

HA HA ZOMBIES YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR MY MIGHTY HANDGUN.

...no more buwwets?

Right, fuck this. Running like hell.

Right into the waiting arms of a zombie. That's good. MASH BUTTONS

Ha ha, pathetic zombie. You are no match for my Leon S. Kennedy skillz.

Hey that's not fair, you snuck up on me.

Ow, goddamnit. Get your filthy zombie hands off me.

Wait no don't toss me into the other zombies!

so much blood

why

why the pain

it hurts

Hey look it's the title screen. Right, let's try that again.

HA HA ZOMBIES YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR MY SUPERIOR SPEED AND AGILITY

son of a bitch why was there a zombie around the corner

Ha ha, one zombie can't get me down!

But the other four coming around the corner after me probably could.

so much pain

take me home now god

Or back to the title screen, that's good too.

Well, third time's the charm.

Dodgy dodge, avoid the zombie around the corner, run a loop around the next one and IN THE DOOR. That's right, bitches. I made it past the first street. Raise the roof.

WAIT NO DON'T SHOOT ME I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DO ALL THAT AGAIN

Well, now that that's settled I'm going to loot all your bullets and leave without paying, k?

SWEET JESUS FUCK THEY FOLLOWED ME

Okay, I'm going to run like a pussy while they eat the owner. Rest well, sweet gun shop owner. Your sacrifice will always be remembered until I forget you about ten minutes from now.

And down the alley.

Ha ha stupid zombies can't get through a fence.

wait shit yes they can

EAT LEAD YOU UNDEAD MOTHERFUCKERS

Yeah, that's right. Who's the ma- OH FUCK THERE'S ONE STILL IN THE BASKETBALL COURT

ow ow ow

gtfo zombie

Limp, limp, limp, limp away in terror!

All right. Safe now.

Up the stairs, across the catwalk, down the stairs, over the dumpster, partially eaten by the undead chick, limp away like a pansy.

Shit, there's a bunch of zombies here.

Oh wait they're eating some corpse. I guess I'm safe as long as they don't...

...see me. Shit.

Public transit will save me! Bus ho!

Crap there's zombies on the bus too.

Well it's a narrow aisle so I'll just shoot in a line.

Zombie death sounds herald my victory!

WAIT FUCK THERE'S ONE ON THE FLOOR OH CHRIST MY LEG

off with your head!

And off of the bus!

Crap more zombies.

Blam. Yeah, that's right. Fall over and let me run straight past you.

Stupid zombies. Now I'm in the police station gates and therefore sa-

SHIT THERE ARE ZOMBIES IN THE GARDEN TOO

ow ow ow

oh god the pain

why

Limping away at severely reduced speed!

Okay. In the police station. Safety at last. Even if I am in Danger and moving about as fast as a ninety year old woman trying to go uphill in a blizzard.

Okay, these two doors are locked, what about this one?

Hey it's Will Smith!

He gave me a card and kicked me out. Such a nice young man.

Okay, unlocking the hall doors.

Well, let's try this one first.

One... two... three... four... okay too many. Fuck this. Other door.

This room is empty, and therefore safe.

Wait did something just move in the window?

Probably nothing. Onward, brave company!

Hey cool, an FMV... HOLY SHITTING FUCK I HAVE TO FIGHT THAT THING?

...and I'm dead.

Fuck this, I'm playing Paper Mario.

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Crap, I suck at Paper Mario too.

Sob.

Why does the Goomba hurt me so.

~ Pudding

Plugging Unreleased Products and Various Drivel

It's a well known fact among those who know me that I get way too far into coming up with worlds for pretty much anything I write. I am currently trying to write the first story for a webcomic. Why? Because I saw a picture of a pirate my friend drew, and I thought about what kind of person she would be, and things in my brain just snowballed from there. Now I have a complete cast of characters, a world with at least thirty years of history behind it thought out, and lengthy character sheets with each character's first conscious thought scribed upon them.

All because I saw a picture of a pirate drawn years ago.

Well, I got to thinking, I came up with all this, why not use it? And it's been a long term dream of mine to have a woman draw whatever I put down on paper, so why not make it a comic?

So that'll be coming soon. When I get finished writing it, probably sometime early August, I shall force my team of Korean drawing slaves to churn out streams of comics.

Oh, how they will churn!

By the way, if you're interested in seeing very rough sketchy work someone who isn't a Korean drawing slave and who I may have to actually consider asking to be the artist did of the main character, you can find it here. The character's name is Lynne Greenwood and she was originally a pirate but has gone from straight up pirate to morally questionable airship captain who is a goddamn badass. Seriously. She kicks a ninja through a window. After setting him on fire.

The artist of that particular rough sketch is Mara Quincy Rickman Theodore Worthington, Esquire. She is not quite as much of a badass. Don't tell her I said that.

She might just hurt me.

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Well, as plugging time is over it seems I may have to come up with an actual update for today, this being a blog for humorous comments I make about other things, so let's pick some random events from the news. To the RSS feed!

India probes baby body parts find

Right, never mind.