Badgsturbation

I couldn't think of what to write for this update, because I'm a lazy twat who hasn't slept for quite a while. So I went to Wikipedia and clicked Random Article. It served me an informative monologue on the noble sport of badger baiting.

Badger Baiting.

Here, I'll put it in big text so you can get that exactly right with no errors in your thought processes.

BADGER BAITING

Yes. I was incredulous too. But Wikipedia sagely informed me that badger baiting was "a blood sport involving the baiting of badgers."

Well that clears things right up.

Upon further research, I discovered that badger baiting is the barbaric and possibly erotic, if performed under the right conditions, sport of pitting a slavering terrier against a poor somewhat less than defenceless badger.

That is fucking awesome.

Really. I think the English had it right when they came up with this. Dog. Badger. Locked in mortal combat. Best. Sport. Ever.

Cause I can't really think of anything more to say on this subject, I'm going to compile a list of deathmatches that would possibly be even more exciting.

• Snake vs. Mongoose
• Ant vs. Gerbil
• Jesus vs. Robot
• The Terminator vs. Captain Planet
• Pudding vs. Post He's Getting Bored With And Will Probably Just Cut Off Midsente

~Pudding

Sweet dreams are made of cheese

You may notice I added Adsense to the bottom of the blog. This is because I feel like earning a paltry three cents a year from people clicking on these ads. That's right, people, if you click those ads you get me money.

So, y'know, click.

Please?

I need to eat food tonight.

---

You may also notice that I have been weeks late in updating despite rather clearly laying down a schedule the post before. This is because, as stated, I fail to care about writing a blog for all of three people when my life goes all pear shaped. I was sick for a long time and found myself in a hospital room with nothing but my laptop and my Resident Evil Playstation discs.

I learned something from this experience. Resident Evil is not a good game to play when you have vivid and feverish dreams every time you fall asleep.

Vivid dreams with zombies are bad enough.

Feverish dreams get really fucked up really fast.

Combine the two and you'll understand what I went through for two weeks. The dreams were so vivid that I could remember them clearly after waking, so I began to write them down to pass the time.

This is one of them.

---

It was pitch black. I was likely to be eaten by a grue. Then a door opened and Claire Redfield stumbled in carrying an oversized banana that she weilded like a shotgun.

The reason she was chased soon became apparent. Zombies stumbled into the door and we were soon cornered. Then, inexplicably, MacGyver blew up a wall from the other side and we escaped in a helicopter, except instead of flying it drove down a highway.

In a series of conversations it was revealed that the zombies were actually the Teletubbies. They were being led by a two hundred foot tall robotic "MechaJesus".

I think you see where this is going. It was soon decided that we should destroy the MechaJesus, and it was then that MacGyver revealed his treacherous nature by blowing himself up and raining down a thousand poisioned lollipops upon Claire and myself. Claire was killed because a lolly stick got stuck in her eye. I took her banana and bravely pressed on.

MechaJesus and I inexplicably met in the inexplicable arena at the inexplicable middle of an inexplicable meadow. We began to fight using large Q-tips. Just as all seemed lost the A-Team drove through a wall and shot everything up without actually killing anyone at all.

Then we all enjoyed ice cold glasses of mayonaisse. Except BA, who demanded Clamato for reasons known only to him.

And I woke up.

My brain comes up with weird shit when I'm sick.

~Pudding

The Three Bears - Revised Edition

I have about six people who want to read this now. This means I have to actually start updating regularly. So here's a schedule.

Monday - Friday I update once a day so you have something to read at school or work. These range from a paragraph to several paragraphs to a long rant.

Saturday and Sunday I work extra hard to review some piece of media I've seen that week. This can be considered a formal article and will be reasonably long.

We at Pudding Entertainment reserve the right to deviate from this whenever we want and you can't do anything about it ha ha.

---

Okay. Real update. How about a short story?

Once upon a time there were three bears. Mama and Papa bear went out with their son, Baby Bear, whose name would haunt him well into his old age, to buy some apples or something.

They left their porridge on the table to cool while they were out. But being bears and therefore lacking opposable thumbs they couldn't lock the door on their way out.

Goldilocks came skipping through the forest until she came upon the bears cottage. She opened the door and saw the porridge. She hadn't eaten breakfast that day and so she sat down at the biggest chair and tried some porridge.

Then Papa bear came in the house because he forgot his hat and saw Goldilocks eating his porridge. "You were gonna eat my motherfucking porridge, you little bitch!" he said. Then he tore her head off.

THE END.

Heartwarming.

Phonix Wroight - Ayse Arterny

Yes I know this is my first post in a while. Go whine at someone who cares.

I recently found Jesus. Then I lost him again so I have to buy a new one next time I'm at the shop.

But anyway. I also recently found my DS along with the Jesus action figure. The novelty of having Jesus kung fu fight with Captain Picard and Batman easily wore off so I went out looking for a new game to play.

Phoenix Wright came to me in my time of need. This could be the opening line of a really dirty piece of fanfiction but not in this case. If you are looking for dirty fanfiction you may want to try the rest of the internet.

I began to play this wonderful little game, with its whimsical little anime characters and its own little brand of "science". At least in the last case of the game which we all really only played because Gant was funny.

I got so into this game that I even joined a Phoenix Wright forum. I am considering shamelessly advertising my blog in my signature there and some of you've probably been. But recently I came to a realization.

This game is not meant to be played by "normal people". I must be some kind of freak or something because none of my friends want anything to do with this game.

Don't believe me? Read my friend's gaming journal. No, he doesn't actually keep a gaming journal. Yes I wrote this because I was bored.

---

Phoenix What?

Maybe this would be sort of cool.

Okay, that bastard bought the last copy. I have to order it off the internets? Fuck that, I'll borrow it.

Waiting, waiting, la la la la la.

Hey here he is. Give give give.

Where the hell is that DS?

Dammit, the cat pushed it off my desk again. Now there's a crack in the GBA holdy thingy.

Oh well, time to play!

Holy crap this title screen has buttons! You can TOUCH them? What the fuck?

Oh wait, it's the DS. Never mind.

Okay... holy crap that's a dead chick. And a guy in a pink suit or something with a dot on his head! Awesome!

Okay... when do I get to play?

Talking talking talking! Where's the naked kung fu?

Hey I hope you can naked fight that Fey chick, I'd hit that.

Okay. A courtroom. So "attorney" isn't Japanese for naked kung fu fighting women. Fuck.

Heh. There's a bald guy.

Crap he's the judge I hope he didn't hear me call him a bald guy.

Oh wait it's a game. Never mind.

...hey there's a little question and answer session thingy... crap I don't know this lawyer stuff! What's a "defendant"?

Okay I got it wrong twice, the third one must be right.

I am so freaking smart.

What's a "Witness Testimoney"? Do I get paid now?

Oh. Testimony. Crap.

OH SHIT WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE PAYING ATTENTION

Oh. You get to go over it again. Good.

"Contradiction?" Heh. She said "dick" if you say it out loud.

Man that's a nice rack.

Okay. So I yell "Objection!" into the microphone when I want to FUCK I DIDN'T WANT TO YET.

Okay. I lost a little exclamation point. I'm cool, I can deal.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Okay. One last point. Whatever you do don't hold down the button like this and say "OBJECTION!"

Fuck.

Okay, he got convicted. Start again.

...I have to watch all this crap again?

That's a damn fine rack.

Seriously those are some nice boobs. I hope she doesn't die in the second case. That would really suck cause I want to keep looking at these.

Okay. Now let's actually read this stuff.

That doesn't sound quite right.

"OBJECTION!"

Crap now everyone is looking at me.

Move along, nothing to see here.

Crap I have to do this shit again?

Dammit Payne shut the fuck up you sound like a schoolgirl.

You know this is really stupid if the judge had just watched the opening cutscene he'd know this Sahwit dude did it.

Contradictions again. Man this guy is a moron.

What's an evidence?

Oh. Those things.

Take that, bitch.

Sweet I won.

Crap, boobs dies. Fuck this, what's the point?

"Compelling... story"? What the hell is the point of that if there aren't any consistent tits?

Yeah, take your game back! It sucks! Sucks like you!

Please come back.

I'm so lonely.

So lonely.

Lonely.

~ Pudding

Untitleded

For want of something to write about that is worthwhile or even reasonably interesting I am going to go from one subject to something completely different and draw some form of association between them for the purpose of this "humour" that you meatsacks seem to love so.

Right then. Patrick Stewart.

Patrick Stewart played Captain Picard on "Star Trek: The Next Generation".

Captain Picard calls Riker Number One.

Who is Number One?

You are Number Six.

I am not a number, I am a free man!

A Gordon Freeman.

Gordon Freeman has a crowbar.

Crows do not have bars.

Ducks walk into bars.

Ducks are served at Chinese resturaunts sometimes.

China has Too Many People. To solve this they introduced a cap on the number of children you are allowed to have.

Caps are like hats.

You wear hats on your head.

Head is what you pay a prostitute for.

Prostitutes know Kung Fu and can dodge bullets.

But when the time comes they won't have to.

Just like Jesus.

Jesus died on the cross for all our sins.

Batman gets cross and kills sinners.

Batman has no superpowers.

Harrison Ford also has no superpowers.

Harrison Ford played Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones has a whip.

When a problem comes along, you must whip it. Whip it good.

You fucked up S&Mer, you.

S&M is not good to eat, unlike M&M's.

Eminem is a rapper.

Rap is the tool of Satan to eat our souls and turn them into little dots.

Pac-Man eats these little dots.

Sometimes if you eat a big dot all the ghosts turn blue.

Blue is a colour.

So is purple.

Purple is the colour of homosexuality.

Homosexuality is disapproved of by many people, but it's going to happen anyway.

Eating babies is disapproved of by many people, but it's going to happen anyway.

Eating babies is not very nice unless you dip them in chocolate.

Chocolate dipping is how you kill a ninja.

The Ninja fucks your mom. She gives the ninja crabs.

Giant Enemy Crabs.

Giant Enemy Craps.

Craps is often found in a casino.

Bond is often found in particularly "Royale" casinoes.

Bond is a secret agent.

Agents live in the Matrix.

In Soviet Russia, Matrix has YOU!

Soviet Russia is a magical land where dreams come true.

Except that dream, you sick fuck.

Sick fucks make the world go round.

It's a small world, after all.

"It's A Small World After All" is the most annoying song in existence.

Existence is a lie.

The Matrix is a lie.

This statement is a lie.

TIME PARADOX.

Now you've done it, you've changed the future.

Marty, you've got to go back! Back to the FUTURE!

Marty was played by Michael J. Fox.

Fox McCloud has an Arwing.

Pirates have parrots which have ARRwings.

The mortal enemy of the pirate is the ninja.

Ninja are found in places like Japan and France.

The national sport of Japan is bukkake.

Bukkake has been known to kill small animals.

The English have been known to kill small animals.

England is not in fact jolly or old.

Santa is not in fact jolly or old.

Santa is a pedophile.

Pedophiles like children.

Barney the Dinosaur likes children.

Barney the Dinosaur was portrayed by an underpaid Spaniard named Salvador. After his contract expired he pursued medicine and became a surgeon in one of Spain's leading hospitals, specializing in crainioectomy.

Dr. Salvador uses a chainsaw to perform emergency surgery.

Emergency surgery is often completely unnesecary.

Garden gnomes are often completely unnesecary.

Garden gnomes make handy cannon ammunition.

Cannons are often mounted on pirate ships.

Pirate ships are often filled with pirates.

Therefore, Patrick Stewart is often filled with pirates.

That's really fucking creepy. If I sleep tonight my dreams will be filled with Pirate Stewart induced terror. You see what you people do to me? DO YOU? KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!

...I'm done now.

...please don't lock me up again.

...you're going to lock me up again aren't you. I hate you. Go away.

Unsolved Mysteries

In this post, I shall attempt to answer all of the unsolved questions of the universe. Well, not all of them. More like four or five. But still.

Shall we begin?


Q. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A. To answer this we must first assume that the woodchuck is of average size and completely physically able to engage in the casual woodchuckery that is his wont. Now, the woodchuck, upon finding a source of wood, eg. a tree, will have to uproot and chuck it. To do this, he will need to build a tree uprooting machine, which ironically will require more wood previously chucked by other means. Therefore the answer is no wood, as a woodchuck cannot build the required equipment needed to chuck a source of wood without first chucking other wood to build said equipment which he cannot do without said equipment therefore woodchucks are completely useless except as a substitute for chicken at KFC which brings us to...


Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To get the fuck away from Colonel Saunders.


Q. What is the best possible way to kill James Bond?

A. Lolzorz, of course. Mr. Bond seems completely capable of escape from a laser related danger, but from internet nooblets there can be no escape. Imagine...

BLOFELD: Mmmmyes Mr. Bond... you will know the true meaning of pain. Lawls?

LAWLS: LOLOLOLOLOLOL UR NOOB BNOD GTFO TEH SERVER

BOND: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MAKE IT STOP!

(BOND explodes)

BLOFELD: Excellent. Now for square dancing!

(Evil laughing ensues)

...well, that may be just a BIT creepy. But hey, it works.


Q. Why didn't Jesus shoot lasers from his eyes and kill Batman when they got in that lightsaber duel?

A. Because lightsabers can deflect lasers, dumbshit.


Q. Who would win in a fight - Kirk or Picard?

A. Janeway.


Q. Can I get an STD from myself?

A. I'm not even going to answer that one. In fact, I give up.


Well, that's a wrap. If you want me to answer your questions, email me or include them in a comment or something and hopefully I'll read them at some point and when I rule the world you can be in my cabinet. With the dishes.

If I was an internet nooblet I would insert "LOL" here.

But I'm just leaving now.

Because I'm not.

LOL

See what you made me do? I hate you. Go away. You're making me want to cry.

Pizza pizza is so great, Pizza makes you masturbate! Well, not for normal people. Just you, you sick fuck.

Pizza is the food of the gods. Seriously. It's what Zeus eats in his holy land of Mongolia. If Zeus is hungry he calls Pizza Hut and orders a large cheese pepperoni and mushroom. Hera sometimes wants ham but Zeus bitchslaps her and screams STFU BITCH.

But really, the reason pizza is so awesome is simply its versatility. Need a quick dinner for whiny kids? Cheese and Pepperoni shuts their little faces in a hurry. Need a tasty snack or a nice dinner? Your toppings of choice are available, unless you enjoy pieces of dead baby on your pizza in which case you will have to make it yourself as most Pizza Huts, at least in my area, do not carry such ingredients. Well, there is that one, but I don't go there because the guy at the counter keeps telling me I have a nice ass.

Also, if you cook a pizza for long enough it becomes hard as a diamond and can be used as a ninja weapon for the ninja on a budget who can't afford those ridiculously expensive shuriken. This is ridiculously useful as it enables you to kill even the most highly trained Italian Pizza Ninja in a matter of seconds. Or something. Why are you reading this anyway? It's a nice day out. Why are you inside? Shoo! Shoo!

...now then, to write an update about a film I've seen recently so I can actually put up something decent today or tomorrow rather than this piece of crap about pizza.

Adventure Games and Why I Can't Make Them

I have been looking to make an adventure game for a long time now. This is because I play games a fucking lot and I have begun to start to want to make them. My favourite sort are adventure games, like the point n clicks. I play them. Lots. To the point where the left mouse button of my mouse is shattered beyond repair.

So to make an AGS game what do you need? Ability to understand whatever odd sorts of code and clicky things the engine throws at me? Check. A script worthy of winning several prizes judged and awarded by me to me? Check. Music? Nick it off of RPG Maker sites. Check. Art? Gwuh?

That is my only stumbling block. I could churn out brilliant games and win the adoration of millions for my witty dialogue and inventive puzzles except I CAN'T FUCKING DRAW. This pisses me off to no end. Really.

My art sucks, in a nutshell. It's like watching an elephant rape a monkey in the ass. It's fascinating in a completely fucked up and unnatural way.

There, I'm done venting. Back to working on scripts that will never become games.

Tommorow, either why I hate the circus or whatever the fuck I think of at the time. Seeing as I've never actually been to the circus it'll probably be the latter. Yes, I know this update was a cop out. I'm watching Firefly. Piss off.

I'm a diligent little blogger I am.

You're getting two posts today, you lucky two people who read this. The reason is because I have nothing to do and I had a half finished post lying around itching to be finished.

You may think, from all the posts in this blog I mass deleted by accident that you new readers will never see, that I hate everything in the Entire Fucking World. This is not true at all. There are, in fact, several things that I do like in this world. So you know what to send me for my birthday, I am going to now list them here.

- Chocolate pudding
- My fedora which some insist is actually a trilby so I call it that too
- The Indiana Jones Films
- Phoning Pizza Pizza and telling them to deliver a pizza to another Pizza Pizza.
- Phoning Pizza Pizza and trying to have phone sex with the guy who answers.
- Phoning Pizza Pizza and ordering a hamburger.
- Phoning the operator and asking stupid questions
- Pissing people off
- Being an asshole
- Trying to woo women who have never met me over the internet. Extra points if they're from Tennessee.
- Walking into a room where there is some sort of event going on and yelling "STOP. Hammertime."
- Kicking the shit out of people who dare insult my hat.

If I think of any more I'll post them later. Right now I'm thirsty and am going to go and see if you can get drunk off tea.

~Pudding

Edit: You can't.

Insert witty comment here.

I am bored. This is normal and usually ignored, but today it is especially bad.

So I am going to entertain myself through the magic of writing a stupid post in a blog nobody reads.

On the subject of cats.

Cats are furry. Their main difference from dogs lies in their lack of annoying barking. This does not mean cats are not annoying.

Cats were invented in 1066 at the Battle of Hastings when they were needed for cat-a-pults which had also just been invented. They proved ineffective and were soon replaced by the superior rock.

Rocks are made of stone. Stones are made of rock. This is confusing. Confusion tastes much like strawberries.

Strawberries are found on trees and are tasty. Deceptively tasty. They cause you head to asplode painfully. This is not very good at all. Therefore the next question is obviously "why do the hats want to eat my brain?"

The answer is obviously that you have no spork. The spork is the only known way of fighting the hats. Right, I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about anymore, so let's talk about names that begin with "M". Like "Mark" or "Mary" or to a lesser extent "Megan", which is a thuroughly undesirable name and if you have it I reccomend you change your name to Seigfried immediately. That means YOU, Megan.

People whose names begin with M are the only people allowed to be in charge of MI6. Some of them have one letter names, which are obviously "M".

...right, I'm bored again.

...sod it, I'm going to go watch Indiana Jones again.

...and my VCR is broken.

...crap.