Unsolved Mysteries

In this post, I shall attempt to answer all of the unsolved questions of the universe. Well, not all of them. More like four or five. But still.

Shall we begin?


Q. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A. To answer this we must first assume that the woodchuck is of average size and completely physically able to engage in the casual woodchuckery that is his wont. Now, the woodchuck, upon finding a source of wood, eg. a tree, will have to uproot and chuck it. To do this, he will need to build a tree uprooting machine, which ironically will require more wood previously chucked by other means. Therefore the answer is no wood, as a woodchuck cannot build the required equipment needed to chuck a source of wood without first chucking other wood to build said equipment which he cannot do without said equipment therefore woodchucks are completely useless except as a substitute for chicken at KFC which brings us to...


Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To get the fuck away from Colonel Saunders.


Q. What is the best possible way to kill James Bond?

A. Lolzorz, of course. Mr. Bond seems completely capable of escape from a laser related danger, but from internet nooblets there can be no escape. Imagine...

BLOFELD: Mmmmyes Mr. Bond... you will know the true meaning of pain. Lawls?

LAWLS: LOLOLOLOLOLOL UR NOOB BNOD GTFO TEH SERVER

BOND: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MAKE IT STOP!

(BOND explodes)

BLOFELD: Excellent. Now for square dancing!

(Evil laughing ensues)

...well, that may be just a BIT creepy. But hey, it works.


Q. Why didn't Jesus shoot lasers from his eyes and kill Batman when they got in that lightsaber duel?

A. Because lightsabers can deflect lasers, dumbshit.


Q. Who would win in a fight - Kirk or Picard?

A. Janeway.


Q. Can I get an STD from myself?

A. I'm not even going to answer that one. In fact, I give up.


Well, that's a wrap. If you want me to answer your questions, email me or include them in a comment or something and hopefully I'll read them at some point and when I rule the world you can be in my cabinet. With the dishes.

If I was an internet nooblet I would insert "LOL" here.

But I'm just leaving now.

Because I'm not.

LOL

See what you made me do? I hate you. Go away. You're making me want to cry.