Zombies on my Wii

Mara, who I mentioned earlier as being next in line as an artist for this comic thing should the Korean drawing slaves revolt against my tyrannical rule, has been complaining that the comic as I am writing it has some striking resemblences to the TV series Firefly, citing various reasons including 'the captain is a badass' to 'it has things that fly' to 'there are people in it' To her I say 'piss off, I'll steal ideas from wherever I damn well like.'

Anyway, I felt vaguely obligated to update today, so I have pulled myself away from the groping paws of my furious pornography addiction to blather on in a blog that no one reads about nothing in particular. For today's topic, we will discuss whatever I think of first.

Well, I had a thirty cent pack of instant noodles for lunch today. It was horrible. It tasted like paper and a solid block of noodles, but that might have been because I forgot to take it out of the package first. When I finished my lunch I stumbled dazedly into the living room for a rousing game of whatever was hooked up to the TV at the time because I couldn't be arsed to get up and change anything.

This turned out to be Resident Evil 2. Since it was already in the Wii, I decided that I would play it, due to the aforementioned laziness.

The following is an account of my thoughts as I played the game.

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Right, I'll just reload that save with all the infinite ammo weapons and have a blast.

Where the hell is my memory card?

Damn it, left it over at Mark's.

Right, have I got a file on the other memory card? Apparently not.

New game then. Which character do I choose? Leon is the tough and manly one, but Claire has tits. And I am partial to tits.

Ah, fuck it. Let's be Leon.

sweet fucking jesus that man has a scary voice

Okay. Skip the recap, watch the intro.

Okay. Truck driver throws zombie out of his truck and drives off. That's the manly thing to do and I expect it from truckers. This game is realistic so far.

Police officer driving into town. Isn't there supposed to be a military blockade of Raccoon City? How did he miss that? This man must be spectacularly unobservant.

Okay. Body in the street. Not normal.

Don't check it you idiot don't you even know how this game works?

oh crap zombies run you fool

I said 'run like a pussy', not 'stand and fight'. Stupid cop.

Right, now you've done it. The body's woken up.

Well, okay. You managed to kill that one. Maybe you're not a complete retard.

Okay, now we're running. Finally listening to me.

Yes. Save the chick. Now she'll pretty much have to give you head.

And steal a conveniently unlocked police car for her to give you head in. Genius.

Talk talk talk. Boooooring.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE WAS A ZOMBIE IN THE BACK SEAT AAAAAAAAGH

Well, you crashed the car, but at least you killed the zombie. You're safe, unless, for example, that truck driver from earlier came back as a zombie and rammed you both with his truck. But what are the chances of th-

Fuck.

Right then. Let's do this thang.

HA HA ZOMBIES YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR MY MIGHTY HANDGUN.

...no more buwwets?

Right, fuck this. Running like hell.

Right into the waiting arms of a zombie. That's good. MASH BUTTONS

Ha ha, pathetic zombie. You are no match for my Leon S. Kennedy skillz.

Hey that's not fair, you snuck up on me.

Ow, goddamnit. Get your filthy zombie hands off me.

Wait no don't toss me into the other zombies!

so much blood

why

why the pain

it hurts

Hey look it's the title screen. Right, let's try that again.

HA HA ZOMBIES YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR MY SUPERIOR SPEED AND AGILITY

son of a bitch why was there a zombie around the corner

Ha ha, one zombie can't get me down!

But the other four coming around the corner after me probably could.

so much pain

take me home now god

Or back to the title screen, that's good too.

Well, third time's the charm.

Dodgy dodge, avoid the zombie around the corner, run a loop around the next one and IN THE DOOR. That's right, bitches. I made it past the first street. Raise the roof.

WAIT NO DON'T SHOOT ME I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DO ALL THAT AGAIN

Well, now that that's settled I'm going to loot all your bullets and leave without paying, k?

SWEET JESUS FUCK THEY FOLLOWED ME

Okay, I'm going to run like a pussy while they eat the owner. Rest well, sweet gun shop owner. Your sacrifice will always be remembered until I forget you about ten minutes from now.

And down the alley.

Ha ha stupid zombies can't get through a fence.

wait shit yes they can

EAT LEAD YOU UNDEAD MOTHERFUCKERS

Yeah, that's right. Who's the ma- OH FUCK THERE'S ONE STILL IN THE BASKETBALL COURT

ow ow ow

gtfo zombie

Limp, limp, limp, limp away in terror!

All right. Safe now.

Up the stairs, across the catwalk, down the stairs, over the dumpster, partially eaten by the undead chick, limp away like a pansy.

Shit, there's a bunch of zombies here.

Oh wait they're eating some corpse. I guess I'm safe as long as they don't...

...see me. Shit.

Public transit will save me! Bus ho!

Crap there's zombies on the bus too.

Well it's a narrow aisle so I'll just shoot in a line.

Zombie death sounds herald my victory!

WAIT FUCK THERE'S ONE ON THE FLOOR OH CHRIST MY LEG

off with your head!

And off of the bus!

Crap more zombies.

Blam. Yeah, that's right. Fall over and let me run straight past you.

Stupid zombies. Now I'm in the police station gates and therefore sa-

SHIT THERE ARE ZOMBIES IN THE GARDEN TOO

ow ow ow

oh god the pain

why

Limping away at severely reduced speed!

Okay. In the police station. Safety at last. Even if I am in Danger and moving about as fast as a ninety year old woman trying to go uphill in a blizzard.

Okay, these two doors are locked, what about this one?

Hey it's Will Smith!

He gave me a card and kicked me out. Such a nice young man.

Okay, unlocking the hall doors.

Well, let's try this one first.

One... two... three... four... okay too many. Fuck this. Other door.

This room is empty, and therefore safe.

Wait did something just move in the window?

Probably nothing. Onward, brave company!

Hey cool, an FMV... HOLY SHITTING FUCK I HAVE TO FIGHT THAT THING?

...and I'm dead.

Fuck this, I'm playing Paper Mario.

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Crap, I suck at Paper Mario too.

Sob.

Why does the Goomba hurt me so.

~ Pudding