Untitleded

For want of something to write about that is worthwhile or even reasonably interesting I am going to go from one subject to something completely different and draw some form of association between them for the purpose of this "humour" that you meatsacks seem to love so.

Right then. Patrick Stewart.

Patrick Stewart played Captain Picard on "Star Trek: The Next Generation".

Captain Picard calls Riker Number One.

Who is Number One?

You are Number Six.

I am not a number, I am a free man!

A Gordon Freeman.

Gordon Freeman has a crowbar.

Crows do not have bars.

Ducks walk into bars.

Ducks are served at Chinese resturaunts sometimes.

China has Too Many People. To solve this they introduced a cap on the number of children you are allowed to have.

Caps are like hats.

You wear hats on your head.

Head is what you pay a prostitute for.

Prostitutes know Kung Fu and can dodge bullets.

But when the time comes they won't have to.

Just like Jesus.

Jesus died on the cross for all our sins.

Batman gets cross and kills sinners.

Batman has no superpowers.

Harrison Ford also has no superpowers.

Harrison Ford played Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones has a whip.

When a problem comes along, you must whip it. Whip it good.

You fucked up S&Mer, you.

S&M is not good to eat, unlike M&M's.

Eminem is a rapper.

Rap is the tool of Satan to eat our souls and turn them into little dots.

Pac-Man eats these little dots.

Sometimes if you eat a big dot all the ghosts turn blue.

Blue is a colour.

So is purple.

Purple is the colour of homosexuality.

Homosexuality is disapproved of by many people, but it's going to happen anyway.

Eating babies is disapproved of by many people, but it's going to happen anyway.

Eating babies is not very nice unless you dip them in chocolate.

Chocolate dipping is how you kill a ninja.

The Ninja fucks your mom. She gives the ninja crabs.

Giant Enemy Crabs.

Giant Enemy Craps.

Craps is often found in a casino.

Bond is often found in particularly "Royale" casinoes.

Bond is a secret agent.

Agents live in the Matrix.

In Soviet Russia, Matrix has YOU!

Soviet Russia is a magical land where dreams come true.

Except that dream, you sick fuck.

Sick fucks make the world go round.

It's a small world, after all.

"It's A Small World After All" is the most annoying song in existence.

Existence is a lie.

The Matrix is a lie.

This statement is a lie.

TIME PARADOX.

Now you've done it, you've changed the future.

Marty, you've got to go back! Back to the FUTURE!

Marty was played by Michael J. Fox.

Fox McCloud has an Arwing.

Pirates have parrots which have ARRwings.

The mortal enemy of the pirate is the ninja.

Ninja are found in places like Japan and France.

The national sport of Japan is bukkake.

Bukkake has been known to kill small animals.

The English have been known to kill small animals.

England is not in fact jolly or old.

Santa is not in fact jolly or old.

Santa is a pedophile.

Pedophiles like children.

Barney the Dinosaur likes children.

Barney the Dinosaur was portrayed by an underpaid Spaniard named Salvador. After his contract expired he pursued medicine and became a surgeon in one of Spain's leading hospitals, specializing in crainioectomy.

Dr. Salvador uses a chainsaw to perform emergency surgery.

Emergency surgery is often completely unnesecary.

Garden gnomes are often completely unnesecary.

Garden gnomes make handy cannon ammunition.

Cannons are often mounted on pirate ships.

Pirate ships are often filled with pirates.

Therefore, Patrick Stewart is often filled with pirates.

That's really fucking creepy. If I sleep tonight my dreams will be filled with Pirate Stewart induced terror. You see what you people do to me? DO YOU? KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!

...I'm done now.

...please don't lock me up again.

...you're going to lock me up again aren't you. I hate you. Go away.

Unsolved Mysteries

In this post, I shall attempt to answer all of the unsolved questions of the universe. Well, not all of them. More like four or five. But still.

Shall we begin?


Q. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A. To answer this we must first assume that the woodchuck is of average size and completely physically able to engage in the casual woodchuckery that is his wont. Now, the woodchuck, upon finding a source of wood, eg. a tree, will have to uproot and chuck it. To do this, he will need to build a tree uprooting machine, which ironically will require more wood previously chucked by other means. Therefore the answer is no wood, as a woodchuck cannot build the required equipment needed to chuck a source of wood without first chucking other wood to build said equipment which he cannot do without said equipment therefore woodchucks are completely useless except as a substitute for chicken at KFC which brings us to...


Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To get the fuck away from Colonel Saunders.


Q. What is the best possible way to kill James Bond?

A. Lolzorz, of course. Mr. Bond seems completely capable of escape from a laser related danger, but from internet nooblets there can be no escape. Imagine...

BLOFELD: Mmmmyes Mr. Bond... you will know the true meaning of pain. Lawls?

LAWLS: LOLOLOLOLOLOL UR NOOB BNOD GTFO TEH SERVER

BOND: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MAKE IT STOP!

(BOND explodes)

BLOFELD: Excellent. Now for square dancing!

(Evil laughing ensues)

...well, that may be just a BIT creepy. But hey, it works.


Q. Why didn't Jesus shoot lasers from his eyes and kill Batman when they got in that lightsaber duel?

A. Because lightsabers can deflect lasers, dumbshit.


Q. Who would win in a fight - Kirk or Picard?

A. Janeway.


Q. Can I get an STD from myself?

A. I'm not even going to answer that one. In fact, I give up.


Well, that's a wrap. If you want me to answer your questions, email me or include them in a comment or something and hopefully I'll read them at some point and when I rule the world you can be in my cabinet. With the dishes.

If I was an internet nooblet I would insert "LOL" here.

But I'm just leaving now.

Because I'm not.

LOL

See what you made me do? I hate you. Go away. You're making me want to cry.

Pizza pizza is so great, Pizza makes you masturbate! Well, not for normal people. Just you, you sick fuck.

Pizza is the food of the gods. Seriously. It's what Zeus eats in his holy land of Mongolia. If Zeus is hungry he calls Pizza Hut and orders a large cheese pepperoni and mushroom. Hera sometimes wants ham but Zeus bitchslaps her and screams STFU BITCH.

But really, the reason pizza is so awesome is simply its versatility. Need a quick dinner for whiny kids? Cheese and Pepperoni shuts their little faces in a hurry. Need a tasty snack or a nice dinner? Your toppings of choice are available, unless you enjoy pieces of dead baby on your pizza in which case you will have to make it yourself as most Pizza Huts, at least in my area, do not carry such ingredients. Well, there is that one, but I don't go there because the guy at the counter keeps telling me I have a nice ass.

Also, if you cook a pizza for long enough it becomes hard as a diamond and can be used as a ninja weapon for the ninja on a budget who can't afford those ridiculously expensive shuriken. This is ridiculously useful as it enables you to kill even the most highly trained Italian Pizza Ninja in a matter of seconds. Or something. Why are you reading this anyway? It's a nice day out. Why are you inside? Shoo! Shoo!

...now then, to write an update about a film I've seen recently so I can actually put up something decent today or tomorrow rather than this piece of crap about pizza.

Adventure Games and Why I Can't Make Them

I have been looking to make an adventure game for a long time now. This is because I play games a fucking lot and I have begun to start to want to make them. My favourite sort are adventure games, like the point n clicks. I play them. Lots. To the point where the left mouse button of my mouse is shattered beyond repair.

So to make an AGS game what do you need? Ability to understand whatever odd sorts of code and clicky things the engine throws at me? Check. A script worthy of winning several prizes judged and awarded by me to me? Check. Music? Nick it off of RPG Maker sites. Check. Art? Gwuh?

That is my only stumbling block. I could churn out brilliant games and win the adoration of millions for my witty dialogue and inventive puzzles except I CAN'T FUCKING DRAW. This pisses me off to no end. Really.

My art sucks, in a nutshell. It's like watching an elephant rape a monkey in the ass. It's fascinating in a completely fucked up and unnatural way.

There, I'm done venting. Back to working on scripts that will never become games.

Tommorow, either why I hate the circus or whatever the fuck I think of at the time. Seeing as I've never actually been to the circus it'll probably be the latter. Yes, I know this update was a cop out. I'm watching Firefly. Piss off.

I'm a diligent little blogger I am.

You're getting two posts today, you lucky two people who read this. The reason is because I have nothing to do and I had a half finished post lying around itching to be finished.

You may think, from all the posts in this blog I mass deleted by accident that you new readers will never see, that I hate everything in the Entire Fucking World. This is not true at all. There are, in fact, several things that I do like in this world. So you know what to send me for my birthday, I am going to now list them here.

- Chocolate pudding
- My fedora which some insist is actually a trilby so I call it that too
- The Indiana Jones Films
- Phoning Pizza Pizza and telling them to deliver a pizza to another Pizza Pizza.
- Phoning Pizza Pizza and trying to have phone sex with the guy who answers.
- Phoning Pizza Pizza and ordering a hamburger.
- Phoning the operator and asking stupid questions
- Pissing people off
- Being an asshole
- Trying to woo women who have never met me over the internet. Extra points if they're from Tennessee.
- Walking into a room where there is some sort of event going on and yelling "STOP. Hammertime."
- Kicking the shit out of people who dare insult my hat.

If I think of any more I'll post them later. Right now I'm thirsty and am going to go and see if you can get drunk off tea.

~Pudding

Edit: You can't.